Expert Offers Tips to Help Parents Work Together After Divorce

Everyone knows it is important to parent together after a divorce, but there isn't a lot of information on how to do that. A retired family and matrimonial attorney offers tips in a new book on how to parent effectively with your ex after a divorce.

(PRWEB) August 10, 2005 -- A lot of people talk about how important it is to parent together after divorce, but until now there was no complete source to help parents do just that. Parenting together after divorce is about more than a schedule, its about your entire attitude," says Brette McWhorter Sember, former family attorney and mediator and author of the new book, How to Parent with Your Ex: Working Together in Your Childs Best Interests (Sourcebooks; Paperback; 2005; $12.95). When I represented children and parents in custody cases, I was struck by the sheer volume of families that ended up returning to court over and over again. I call these families 'revolving door families. They would come to court, get things settled and within months, they would be back again with a new dispute. They never learned how to work things out on their own and didnt realize the affect their constant litigation was having on their children." How to Parent with Your Ex can change that by helping parents avoid conflict with each other and focus on their childs needs. Written in a unique flip book style -- one side for the residential parent and one side for the nonresidential parent, this complete guide offers parents advice on how to communicate with each other, how to communicate with their kids, how to avoid common pitfalls, and how to make the most of the time they do have with their child.

Sember offers these tips for effective co-parenting after divorce:

1.    Accept that things will never be the same. Youre no longer living together under one roof and no matter your custodial role, things can never be the same again. What you as a parent must do is focus on making the most of what you do have, and not grumbling about what is past. You need to move ahead with your child into the future, a future in which you and the other parent play important parental roles. You will always be your childs parent and you will always be a family, even though your family has taken on a different shape now.

2.    Dont badmouth the other parent. Your child loves the other parent, and no matter what your feelings are, he or she will always be your childs other parent. Remind yourself that this is an important relationship for your child and any negative remarks you make are going to be hurtful to your child. Dont undermine their relationship and do not use your child as a messenger -- putting your child in the position of having to give a message or even a note to the other parent places him or her squarely in the middle of whatever conflict youre having.

3.    Let your child have a life. Too many divorced parents make their kids sacrifice activities and events to go on visitation. When you all lived together, you didnt make your child skip soccer or miss dance class to spend time with one of you. Now that youre divorced, its even more important than ever that you both continue to support your child and encourage him or her to do things that build self-esteem. This does not mean over-scheduling your child, but it does mean that you each will spend some of your assigned time with your child watching him or her do things your child loves.

4.    Be flexible. Your parenting schedule is intended to be something that changes. Most court orders give parents the flexibility to change the schedule when they both agree, and doing so is crucial to keeping everyone happy. You and the other parent have lives and jobs and will often have things come up that require some schedule changes. Its also important to know that as your child grows, the schedule should grow with him or her. A schedule that works for a five year old is not going to work for a teen. See your schedule as something that is meant to grow with all of you, and not as something that is set in stone.

5.    Have parenting meetings. Set aside a regular time -- weekly, monthly or yearly -- to sit down and talk about your child and your parenting schedule. Make schedule changes and talk about big decisions in your childs life, such as activities to sign up for, new rules for a teen who is about to date, or possible solutions for any conflicts and disagreements you might have as parents. If all else fails, take the business transaction approach with the other parent. Arranging a schedule and ground rules is business you must conduct with him or her and doing this in a non-emotional, business-like way can save you both a lot of frustration.

How to Parent With Your Ex: Working Together in Your Childs Best Interests is authored by Brette McWhorter Sember, a retired matrimonial and family attorney and mediator who is the author of several other books about divorce, including The Divorce Organizer & Planner (McGraw-Hill, 2004) and No-Fight Divorce: Spend Less Money, Save Time, and Avoid Conflict Using Mediation (McGraw-Hill, 2005). This groundbreaking title is based on the authors experience working in divorce and family court and is designed to be a complete guide to parenting together immediately after a divorce and in the years that follow. More information is available at www.BretteSember.com.

Contact:

Brette Sember

716-759-1706

brette@brettesember.com

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