Collaborative Divorce: Consumer-Driven Movement Takes Divorce Out of the Courts

Americans are turning to "collaborative teams" to learn how to restructure the family, and keep more of their dignity, self-esteem and finances in tact.

(PRWEB) November 13, 2006 -- While a steady 50 percent of marriages now end in divorce, more and more consumers are turning away from expensive high-powered attorneys and struggling to find resolutions on their own. “They’ve come to mistrust lawyers,” says San Francisco divorce attorney Pauline Tesler, “yet the good news is that attorneys have begun to collaborate with psychologists and financial advisors to provide a better approach to this rite of passage.”

Divorce litigation can be a disaster, adds Tesler, author of the new handbook, "Collaborative Divorce" (ReganBooks/Harper Collins) with psychologist Peggy Thompson. Litigation puts two people into the gladiator ring during the most stressful moment of their lives and turns them into bloodthirsty opponents, she explains.

It’s also hard on the kids. “More than a third of the kids get only a ten minute explanation of these tumultuous events preceding a divorce. Twenty-five percent get one sentence, such as ‘Daddy’s gone,’” adds Thompson. "Collaborative divorce gives the whole family a voice," and more control over the process.

Most people don’t want an adversarial battle that’s hard on the whole family, the authors note. “Divorcing couples are increasingly turning to collaborative divorce lawyers for help because they want to get through this period with their lives intact. More than 80,000 individuals have chosen the collaborative model in the last few years," reports Tesler, who trains attorneys in this process, nationwide.

To date, Tesler has led nearly two hundred couples through this innovative process. “That’s just in the Bay Area. The consumer-driven movement is gaining momentum. Tesler estimates that there are now over 7,000 collaborative practitioners in North America and 9,000 worldwide.

How does this new process work? In a collaborative divorce:

• Each partner has legal counsel. Attorneys sign a binding pledge not to take this case to court. Information is shared and there are no closed doors. “As a result, suspicion and paranoia drop dramatically,” says Tesler. “From the start, our goal is problem-solving.”

• Each person has a divorce coach. “A family therapist coaches you to articulate your key issues, so you deal with them constructively,” says Thompson. “The emotions get high, we can also call a ‘time-out’ and give someone a chance to deal with a trigger point.”

• A child development specialist meets with the children separately, listens to their chief concerns and helps the family to address them. Children of old-style divorce are more likely to have emotional and physical problems the year of the breakup, and long afterward. The collaborative process keeps parents from turning each other into ‘the bad guy’ and it gives the kids a voice,” says Thompson. “As a result, they are likely to be more resilient.“

• A neutral financial consultant gathers data, analyzes the family resources, and helps devise creative solutions beyond the power of the court. Instead of hiding facts and hoarding assets, couples bring all necessary information to the table end up with a deeper understanding of their money situation than they ever had before.

• These professionals help the couple deal with challenges they are likely to face after the divorce, such as the introduction of a new step-parent, a long-distance move or a change in visitation patterns.

Does all this help mean a hefty price tag? No, says Tesler. “In my part of California a traditional divorce for a middle class client with a house and two children can run from $30,000 to well over $100,000. And that’s only for one partner. A collaborative process will probably cost a third of that or less.”

While traditional divorces often take three to five years to resolve, the collaborative process is usually concluded within twelve to eighteen months. The important thing, says Tesler, is that the couple sets the pace.

A collaborative divorce is also private. When couples go through the courts, their finances and other highly personal information are in the public record, and the risk of identity theft escalates.

The big surprise is that the collaborative process is so effective it often leads to reconciliation. “About one in ten of our couples decide to get back together because they’ve learned some basic problem-solving and communication skills,” says Thompson.

Divorcing couples want opportunities for more cooperation and collaboration, says Tesler. Here are the questions they care about most:

• Will my spouse and I be able to parent our children effectively after the divorce?

• Can we shield our children from the trauma of this stressful change?

• Will fighting over every last cent of support, and last dollar of our assets, leave enough good will for us to work together as parents in the future?

• Will it be possible for us to meet at graduations, weddings, and christenings with civility and a sense of pride and joy?

• How can we be sure our children maintain close relationships w their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides of the family?

• Can I still be close to my in-laws and keep them as part of my extended family, after the divorce?

• Will our friends feel like they have to choose between us, or can we create a more amicable atmosphere for everyone?

• Is there a way to divorce that honors my personal values, protects my privacy, and gives me a sense of empowerment?

• Will I be able to look back upon my own conduct during this period with a sense of pride and integrity?

With collaborative divorce, the answer to all of these questions can be yes. “People are looking for healthier ways to navigate this life transition," Tesler says, "and now we have the means to help them.”

To find a collaborative team in your area, go to www.collaborativepractice.com.

For more information on “Collaborative Divorce” by Pauline Tesler and Peggy Thompson, and the new momentum of this movement, go to www.collaborativedivorcebook.com.

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