Peace at Any Price Creates a Passionless, Unhappy Marriage

Marriage counseling expert Nancy Wasson has advice for spouses who try to keep their marriage peaceful by burying their true feelings: "Avoiding conflict can kill sexual desire!"

Birmingham, AL (PRWEB) October 29, 2006 -- Lack of conflict in a marriage is strongly connected to lack of passion and desire, according to marriage counseling expert Nancy Wasson, Ph.D. Yet the primary goal of many couples seeking to head off marriage problems is to avoid arguments.

"Couples don't realize that suppressing anger often suppresses passion, too," says Dr. Wasson. Instead they believe that being a "good" spouse means stifling irritation or negative feelings in order to avert marital problems.

Wasson stresses,"You don't want open war with 'no holds barred' because that also kills passion and desire." Open war in a relationship may be linked to controlling behavior from one or both spouses. It may lead to a sexual affair, a marriage crisis, and ultimately marital separation and divorce.

The absence of heated arguments is often correlated with the absence of strong sexual feelings. And numerous cases show that a poor sex life is one cause for an unhappy marriage.

Many spouses pride themselves on having a calm marriage with few rifts. Yet, years later they may find they need marriage counseling because their relationship feels empty and without passion.

Dr. Wasson states, "These spouses may care about each other but have no spark of sexual desire. They may feel like siblings or best friends but not lovers. Their relationship is polite, placid, easygoing, routine, and predictably lifeless." She notes that the avoidance of conflict often negatively impacts sexual desire in a relationship.

"When a couple never has heated arguments or disagreements, it usually means that one or the other is burying their real feelings," according to Wasson. "At least one spouse, and maybe both, is giving in to the other one, either to keep the peace or because it's easier than resisting."

Usually, one partner routinely gives in to the other the majority of the time in cases like this. That means that the spouse who is committed to keeping the peace at all costs is not fully expressing his (or her) unique individuality.

Something is missing—the butting of heads that occurs when two independent strong-willed people live together and have to compromise and reach agreement about things that they disagree on.

But the anger and negative feelings keep growing larger in the dark closet where they have been stuffed away. Eventually, as more anger and negative feelings are put in the closet, they may push open the door and flood out—most likely in an inappropriate way and at an inappropriate time.

Dr. Wasson continues, "If anger and resentment are buried, the capacity of the individual to experience desire and passion is also affected. This includes desire and passion for the partner and for life in general."

So what marriage advice might help marriage partners caught in this dilemma?

Wasson advises that one of the tip-offs is the word "should," such as "I should be a 'good wife' and not disagree," "I should be a 'good husband' and not rock the boat too much," or "I should always try to keep the peace and avoid causing arguments."

She maintains, "When you find yourself trying to make yourself do something because you 'should,' there are probably some other opposing feelings that need to be examined and expressed in an appropriate way."

Dr. Wasson teaches couples to express feelings at the time they first emerge but to do it in an appropriate way that allows each partner to deal with the feelings and resolve them.

Wasson says. "That way, spouses can avoid the build up of anger and resentment that can sabotage their sexual relationship and kill their sexual desire. They'll also avoid the depression that comes from routinely stifling their feelings and preferences as well as the unplanned explosions that can result later on."

The road to great sex starts with satisfying emotional intimacy, and it's maintained by expressing feelings appropriately and keeping the channels of communication as clear and debris-free as possible. For that to be possible, feelings have to be acknowledged and dealt with, not buried.

Nancy Wasson, Ph.D., is the creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner: What to Do if Your Mate Says You're Too Controlling OR if You're Tired of Being Controlled, available at www.ControllingSpouse.com.

She has been a Licensed Professional Counselor for more than twenty years. Dr. Wasson coaches couples in unhappy marriages and provides immediate help through the privacy of telephone and email consultations.

In addition, she is the co-author of "Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says 'I Don't Love You Anymore!' " and offers a free weekly marriage advice newsletter at www.KeepYourMarriage.com

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