Couples should discuss and tentatively resolve potential conflicts before getting engaged Careful observation and in-depth discussion key to happily ever after"

Author offers advice for those considering marriage on how to avoid future difficulties with parenting.

Dulles, VA-Getting engaged and planning a wedding are among the most exciting and pivotal events in a womans life. But, according to Julie Shields, author of HOW TO AVOID THE MOMMY TRAP: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making it Work (Capital Books, September 1, 2002, $26.95 hardcover), choosing to marry someone who does not share your ideals about dividing household responsibilities and parenting can cause unforeseen problems and serious rifts in your happily ever after."

Most of what we read and see about romantic love stops at the altar," Shields says. Jane Austens novels, along with so many movies and all those fairy tales, lead up to that magic moment of declaration of love and then marriage. They say nothing about how to live happily ever after. The message: Make yourself beautiful and good, fall in love, and the rest will come. Unfortunately, thats not how it works."

Shields advocates that couples examine their gender ideologies"-how they believe men and women should behave and the family roles they should play-and views about parenting before taking the marriage plunge. Very often, people have not given serious thought to what they will do and what it will be like once they have a child. If they just drift along, couples usually end up taking on stereotypical roles that may not fit anymore. Thats particularly true for women, many of whom discover that their husband expects them to shoulder more of the child and household duties and career accommodations than they anticipated. Then, you can find yourself feeling resentful and frustrated, and stuck in the Mommy Trap with more than you expected and want to have on your plate."

Beliefs about family roles may lay dormant for years of happy dating and marriage, only to spring up after a baby is born, Shields says. Wise women ascertain views about sex roles, including their own, before getting too far ahead of themselves. Obvious as this may seem, few couples hash out parenting roles before they marry, get pregnant, or even take their baby home from the hospital."

     Shields suggests that couples discuss and tentatively resolve potential conflicts before getting engaged. Some of the questions to consider:

 How important is having a career to one or both of you?
 Will one of your jobs take precedence? Would either of you move to support the others career?
 How will you split the responsibilities when you have children?
 Will one partner have more control over decisions?
 Who should do what household tasks?
 Who should do child care? How much?
 Do you have a reaction to someone other than the two of you taking care of your child?
 Will you use substitute care? How much?

This is not meant to be an exhaustive list," she says. Just start thinking and talking about your preferences and expectations."

Shields also advises women to closely observe their potential husbands family before agreeing to a lifetime of wedded bliss. Why do we get so nervous the first time we meet a boyfriends family?" she asks. For one thing, it screens the coming attraction of our lifes movie. Will it be a love story, horror show, comedy, or a tragedy? The visit will reveal his expectations of marriage. Your life may well look like what you see there- if you dont take an active hand in designing a different future." Instead of worrying only about whether they will accept and like you, Shields says, also think hard about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with or being these people.

The most important thing for a woman is to learn how you want your life to be, and pick someone who has the same vision. Then you wont end up scrambling to fix unforeseen problems in the middle of your happily-ever-after."

Shields book, HOW TO AVOID THE MOMMY TRAP, is a guide for all women who either have or think they may want children. This sensible primer is for anyone wondering if and how she will be able to balance parenthood and life, and for every mom who feels stuck with too much to do.

After she unexpectedly found herself quitting her job as an attorney to stay home with her toddler, Shields started interviewing every couple she knew about their situations, searching for parents who had created more equal work and parenting strategies. She discovered that the happiest families had created personalized work and parenting arrangements -- often in advance -- that took every family member's needs and desires into account, and she began to copy their methods. Through much hard work and lots of communication, Julie and her husband found a better balance, customized to their personalities, talents, and desires-and she escaped the Mommy Trap.

She then parlayed her experience -- as well as interviews with marital counselors, childcare workers, negotiation experts, work-life counselors, employers, child development experts, and parents -- into HOW TO AVOID THE MOMMY TRAP, which shows how families can create more balanced efforts, even if a parent stays home. HOW TO AVOID THE MOMMY TRAP emphasizes real-life solutions and strategies, and highlights common missteps. Weaving together research and anecdote, Julie Shields demonstrates the value and efficacy of a new parenting paradigm -- sharing.

   Julie Shields earned a bachelors degree in Humanities and English Literature from the Johns Hopkins University. After graduating from Duke Law School, she litigated in the intellectual property field for a Los Angeles corporate law firm for a number of years. She now practices trademark law for the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (PTO). At the PTO she has advocated successfully for more flexible part-time work schedules. Shields is also spearheading an effort to improve American parental leave options. She has written textbooks on copyright and trademark law, and articles and essays for Oxygen.com, Mothers First, and the Duke Law Magazine. Ms. Shields lives in McLean, Virginia with her husband (who also works flexibly) and their two daughters.

HOW TO AVOID THE MOMMY TRAP
A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making It Work
By Julie Shields
September 1, 2002, ISBN 1-892123-88-6, $26.95, Hardcover