MEN, REST ASSURED: THERE IS LIFE AFTER BIRTH

New book addresses questions new fathers have about parenting

Fathers, especially first-timers, are in need of guidance and wisdom, according to Andre Stein and Peter Samu, authors of the new book, FATHERS MILK: Nourishment and Wisdom for the First-Time Father (Capital Books, May 2002, $18.95 hardcover). Kids complain-in words and in deeds-about missing the active presence of their dads. Women, our partners, are frustrated, disappointed, and even angry. And finally, fathers themselves end up confused, helpless, and all too often, absent.

The authors, fathers with an accumulated 130 years of parenting between them, noted that there are plenty of support and information sources for mothers-courses, workshops, TV programs, and their own mothers. There is very little available for men," Stein says, And practically nothing that speaks to them with empathy, wisdom, and credibility. The few books on fathering Ive been able to find are spiritless manuals. Others are written by women, in a condescending and patronizing tone."

FATHERS MILK introduces the concept of conscious fathering." Conscious fathering means hearing and seeing your child and learning from him or her what is lacking in upbringing. It is my firm belief that truly loving our children means we have to rise above the lowest common denominator and act in a conscious mode, keeping in mind their best interest as well as ours." Passion and compassion are the in inseparable twins of conscious fathers-the right balance of each makes it possible to teach a child how to become a competent adult and to know when to step back and allow her to make her own decisions.    

Men are saddled with the myth that they lack the biological wherewithal to be front-line nurturers and caregivers, something that women are granted as standard equipment," Samu says. This of course is a falsehood that has achieved unwarranted acceptance in our culture."

FATHERS MILK aims to end this myth. Men need to hear male voices refuting such myths with authority and wisdom," Samu continues. It is essential that men embark on the journey of fatherhood without being weighted down by self-doubts about suitability, ability, and competence. All a father needs, to be actively involved in nurturing, is volition. There is no equipment missing. Fathers can become nurturing fathers, and some of the best mothers Ive known were men."
FATHERS MILK begins with a questionnaire to determine Father Quotient," a fathers current knowledge and ideas about fathering. It asks questions such as Do you have (or want to have) a child because you think you should?" Do you have the courage to experience all emotions?" Is participating in every part of your childs life a given for you?" Are you grossed out at the very thought of changing your babys diapers?" Can you be loving when your child acts in a way that is unlovable?" The answers to these questions determine whether a man is a candidate for a father of the year award, or whether their child will someday make a psychotherapist very happy.

Most men fall in the middle," say the authors. No one is perfect-everyone needs a little help and guidance. Being a father is but one facet of a mans life. But it may be the most vital and influential since his actions cross generations and will reverberate through history even if no books are written about him and even if he sees himself as just a drone in the colony of man. For your child, you are the king of kings, the most important man in the history of the world. You dont want to go into a job like that without some advisors!"

Stein and Samu answer questions about fatherhood through a childs adolescence, demonstrating good fathering through stories and practical advice about everyday situations. During my century of parenting, at one time or another I have made every mistake possible," admits Stein. My children have taught me to become better with every mistake."

André Stein and Peter Samu are longtime friends and fathers for a cumulative one-hundred-and-thirty-years.

Dr. Stein is the author of four books including Hidden Children: Forgotten Survivors of the Holocaust (Penguin Books, 1993). He has a doctorate in human communication from the University of California and postdoctoral training in psychotherapy in Toronto. As a psychotherapist, he focuses on fathers and their children concerning issues such as communication, assertiveness, guilt, and sexuality. He lives with his wife and partner in psychotherapy, Vicki Rosner Stein, and their three youngest children in Toronto.

Dr. Samu is a radiologist practicing in Toronto. He has lived in Romania, Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Venezuela before settling in Canada. He has his medical degree from the University of Toronto and his radiology certification from Stanford University. A short story by Dr. Samu was published in Gifts of Our Fathers (Crossing Press, 1994).

For a review copy or author interview, please call Kristen Gustafson at 207/990-0710, or e-mail kristen@booksintl.com.

FATHERS QUOTIENT QUESTIONNAIRE
May be reprinted with permission from Capital Books
Answer Yes or No to the following questions:

1.) Do you have (or want to have) a child because you feel you should?
2.) Is it important for you to live with your companion in an equal partnership?
3.) Are you prepared to temporarily put yourself last?
4.) Do you have the courage to experience all emotions?
5.) Is the gender of your baby very important to you?
6.) Can you see yourself as a pregnant father?"
7.) Is participating in every phase of your childs life a given for you?
8.) Your partner will be an active player in your babys delivery. Will you?
9.) Are you grossed out at the very thought of changing your babys diapers?
10.) Do you resent your child interfering with your sex life?
11.) Is it very important to you that your child be like you?
12.) Do you think its inevitable that you will be parenting like your father did?
13.) Do you believe in inflicting pain on your child for his or her own good?
14.) Excepting the risk of physical danger, do you think it is necessary to think before acting?
15.) Are you prepared to give up some sleep to make it possible for your child to fall or stay asleep?
16.) Do you believe in the value of having regular times set aside for just your partner and you?
17.) Can you be loving when your child acts in a way that is unlovable?
18.) Are you prepared to give up an important sporting event to attend your childs sporting event?
19.) Are you always right and your child always wrong?
20.) Do you believe in the value of finding a mentor to help you with fathering?

ANSWERS
(1) no (2) yes (3) yes (4) yes (5) no (6) yes (7) yes (8) yes (9) no (10) no (11) no (12) no (13) no (14) yes (15) yes (16) yes (17) yes (18) yes (19) no (20) yes

FATHER QUOTIENT
If you answered 16 or more correctly, you could be a candidate for the Father of the Year Award.
If you answered 11 to 15 correctly, you are definitely on the right track. With some guidance, youll be a good father.
If you answered 6 to 10 correctly, you need some empathic and wise parenting education from a fathering mentor who believes that fathers are as important in a childs life as are mothers. Youll also benefit from talking to and observing fathers who love to be involved with their child even when it hurts to do so.
If you answered less than 6 correctly, youre definitely the weakest link in your childs life. Unless you take a deep look at your version of parenting, one day your child will male a psychotherapist very happy.
Regardless of your Father Quotient, you will benefit from reading Fathers Milk when the going gets tough or for re-enforcement and fin-tuning when all is going well in your home.