Why The Irish Drink!

Take the case of the widow Mrs. Megan Sullivan, 62-year-old retired teacher from the quiet town of Balin Rose in Central Ireland. She had saved for many years to fulfill a lifetime dream of touring the States for six months.Within three weeks, of her arrival, she was arrested, tried and found guilty of second-degree........ www.uncleba.com

(PRWEB) March 15, 2004 --Cliches! Yes...You heard me, CLICHES!!! In particular, American Cliches.

My Great Great Uncle Mickey fell off the potato boat in New York at Ellis Island Immigration headquarters. He was raised on a farm in County Cork, Ireland and had come to the States because he heard 'The Streets Were Paved With Gold'.

After completing all the 'Red Tape', he hurried out, nearly knocking down a policeman. The Alcohol trouble started when the officer turned and asked why the big rush? 'You Got Ants In Your Pants'! My relative immediately produced the health certificate he just received that proved he was insect free. The cop laughed so hard he thought he would 'Split His Sides'. Thinking he had been insulted, Mickey stopped at the nearest tavern and pounded a few dozen beers. This was his first introduction to Spirits (O.K. maybe not his first but definitely his first in America). On departing this refuge, he inquired how to get to 105 Street and 1st Ave. He was directed to make a right at the corner and 'Go Straight As The Crow Flies'. He stood at the corner for over two hours whereas a passerby offered him assistance. The stranger hearing that he was waiting for a flying bird mumbled that my uncle had 'Bats In The Belfry'. My relation quickly retorted that he neither owned a belfry and if he did it would be bat free. Micky sensing that Americans were 'A Few Sheep Short Of A Flock' nervously ran into the next bar.

He finally reached the boarding house and 'Slept Like A Log'. The next morning, his landlady instructed him to go to his prearranged job interview and 'Put His Best Foot Forward' and 'Grab The Bull By The Horns'. Panic set in: he thought he was going to be laborer and was sure this position was for a bullfighter. He knew from his upbringing that holding a heifer's by its lethal spikes could turn him into a human shishkabob. He stopped at McShea's Pub and drank some moral strength and continued on to the job. He was delighted to see that someone obviously had already wrestled the bull off the construction site and he happily started to mix concrete. To this day his liver still suffers from the verbal assaults of witty sayings. This is just one of many Immigrant stories.

Miss Kathy O'Donnelly, sweet lass of twenty-two years, arrived directly from her Dublin school run by the Sisters of Saint Grady (Patron Saint of Virginity and Crop Rotation). She had contracted a nursing position through a medical personnel agency in Los Angeles.

A very busy and overworked Mr. Reynolds was to oversee her orientation. He began by telling the new recruit that they had a lot of things to cover and he had no time to 'Beat Around The Bush'. Upon hearing these words, she immediately stood up and reassured him that under no circumstance would she ever permit anyone near her private parts without being married to him. She then inquired what exactly would he be beating around her bush? (Don't go there). He looked up in astonishment and told her she misunderstood what he was trying to convey to her. He continued by saying they were looking for people who wanted to move up, real 'Eager Beavers'. She couldn't believe what she was listening to. She said a silent pray for his depraved soul and informed him that under no condition would she loose her virginity for a promotion. He heartily apologized for this misinterpretation and tried once again to move ahead, but things went from bad to "Dear God! He should have kept his mouth shut". He explained the job she was promised had already been filled and he was sorry and was relieved to finally make a 'Clean Breast Of It' to her. She was flabbergasted and to the point of hysteria, this was the 'Straw That Broke The Camel's Back'. She patiently explained to him that she bathed on a regular basis and her bosoms were clean and didn't need him or anyone else to wash them. She promptly headed for the door and he put the final 'Nail In The Coffin' when he implored her to please 'Get A Handle On It' because he had a new position for her and 'It's A Dilly'. She stopped 'Dead In Her Tracks': turned around and told him that she didn't come six thousand miles to 'Handle His Dilly' and he should seek intensive psycho-sex therapy for his degeneracy. She ran screaming from the building into Tony's Barbecue Palace where she consumed eleven shots of Captain Blackbeard's Malt Scotch with a side order of four Guinness pints. Two years later she checked herself into Rehab.

It doesn't stop here. Take the case of the widow Mrs. Megan Sullivan, 62-year-old retired teacher from the quiet town of Balin Rose in Central Ireland. She had saved for many years to fulfill a lifetime dream of touring the States for six months. She landed in Florida where she rented a room at an out of the way motel. She registered and was departing the lobby when the evening clerk wished her a pleasant stay and added 'Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite'. She was horrified about this infestation of hungry critters and finally fell asleep on the floor only after consuming half a bottle of cough syrup. The next morning she caught a flight to the Grand Canyon. She had a pleasant conversation with a fellow passenger who shared a number of travel tips including a warning about con artists. As they disembarked he wished her a wonderful visit and cautioned her not to be 'Buffaloed'. She was shocked that he had the nerve to compare her weight problem to that of a buffalo. She immediately slammed down the balance of the cough syrup.

She stayed at a bed and breakfast residence and had a good night sleep. As she descended the stairs for the morning meal she overhead the cook saying there was more than 'One Way To Skin A Cat'. Thinking feline was on the menu she retreated to her room and poured herself a double gin and tonic. The sightseeing bus arrived and with the sober help from two other passengers she finally navigated the vehicle's stairs but unfortunately lay in an unconscious buzz during most of the tour of the gigantic hole. She finally came to, as the excursion was nearly finished. A fellow customer seeing her condition offered his flask stating you'll feel better if you have some 'Hair Of The Dog That Bit You'. That did it, she demanded the driver pull over. She couldn't believe Americans eat cat for breakfast and enjoy drinks made from dog hair. She was found the next day on the floor of the Grand Canyon, lying face down, in a puddle of her own urine, clutching an empty wine bottle. She departed for California the following day.

Her luck didn't change in the "Golden State". Within three weeks, of her arrival, she was arrested, tried and found guilty of second-degree assault and promptly deported as an undesirable. It seems that just before services started at St. James, a Mrs. Philips introduced herself to Mrs. Sullivan. Upon hearing her brogue she asked her if she was having a good time in the Bay City. Megan said she loved San Francisco and in fact won the biggest jackpot at bingo the night before. Hearing this, Mrs. Philips jokingly commented that she hopes it doesn't go to her head or "You'll Be Too Big For Your Britches". Mrs. Sullivan, thinking that another disparaging criticism was just made about her weight, hit Mrs. Philip with a left hook launching her into the aisle. It took two ushers and a novice priest to drag Megan off the now unconscious worshipper. She is back in Balin Rose enjoying her garden and happy to be far away from those 'Damn Yanks'.

The award for the shortest relocation to America would have to go to Shawn Dillian from County Clare. He landed in Texas and boarded the train for downtown. It was a long ride and the bored gentleman sitting next to him turned and said 'I Hope You Don't Mind If I Bend Your Ear'. Shawn warned that if he even came close to his head he would punch him in the eye. He got off at the next station and started to walk. He stopped at a store to get directions: unfortunately, it was a gun shop. The overzealous owner, hearing it was his first visit to Texas warned him that the criminals were 'Armed To The Teeth' and he would be like a 'Babe In The Woods' if he didn't buy a gun. He was stunned: what was this land that allowed villains to have weaponry and left children in the forest to fend for themselves. He hit the nearest Deli and purchased a six pack of libation: whereas, the clerk welcomed him to the cattle state and to the big city and his "Baptism Of Fire". Fire!!! Hearing this he ran back to the subway going to the airport. He stood up even though there were many empty seats so as to not have his ear attacked. Since there were no immediate flights to Ireland and fearing for his life, he took the first plane out. He landed in Siberia eleven hours later. His migration to the States lasted approximately nine hours and forty-two minutes.

If one was to research (and God knows I haven't bothered): Guaranteed they would discover that there was no alcohol in the Land of Leprechauns before America was discovered. Sadly, it's a vicious cycle. They came over and are baffled, supposedly insulted, confused, and angered: their misunderstanding of our slang and cliches regrettably caused them to find solace in the 'Demon Rum'. They returned home, told their stories, which drove others to the 'Hooch'. In fact, unscrupulous tavern owners, in Ireland and Gaelic areas of the U.S. have instructed their bartenders to employ American Platitudes as often as possible. On any given night in these establishments, you can hear the staff using such expressions as: He had a 'Tiger By The Tail', 'Don't Throw The Baby Out With The Bathwater', 'By The Skin Of His Teeth' and probably the most common 'Here's Mud In Your Eye'. As each of these phrases is uttered, a 'Dead Silence' reverberates throughout the bar and the customers look like 'Deer Caught In The Headlights'. The bewildered Celtic crowd, not being able to 'Make Heads Or Tails Of It', 'Beat A Hasty Retreat' to the comfort of the 'Happy Juice'.
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