Living With Grief

(PRWEB) May 3, 2004

"Grief is itself a medicine." -William Cowper

"Gentle time will heal our sorrows." -Sophocles

"Everyone can master a grief but he that has it." -William Shakespeare

"Nobody ever told me that grief felt so like fear." -C.S. Lewis

Questions concerning the loss of loved ones outnumber all other inquiries. I’ve consulted wise men whose words have sustained those who mourn across the decades and across the centuries. Having lived long enough to have experienced such sorrow in my own family and in the families of others I know and love, and having studied the subject, I offer these answers to each of the following questions.

1. I just recently lost my husband of over 35 years. People keep telling me that "time heals all wounds" but I just can’t believe he’s gone. How do I begin the healing process?

Answer: Once the numbness--that feeling of having no feeling--goes, own your grief. Cry, moan, wail, and sob. Let it all out. Let the pain you’re feeling come out. Give voice to your sorrow. And, for the time being, avoid people that want you to "stay strong," unless that is the way you choose to behave. Don’t let others determine how you should manage your mourning. As soon as you can, consult your family physician, religious leader or get a recommendation from someone you know and trust about support groups for widows and widowers in your area. Being with others who express their grief, and have experienced the helpless hopelessness you feel can be instrumental in your healing. That commonality of experience gives you a feeling of belonging when you feel set adrift by this terrible loss.

2. I am a mother of five and my middle son just died of cancer, I have heard that losing a child is one of the worst experiences in the world and I have to admit that I do not know how I am going to pick up the pieces and go on without my child. It is not natural for a child to go before a parent. Why does this happen?

Answer: It happens because the nature of life is risk--we don’t have total control over our lives. Every day we take chances just to survive and there are no guarantees. Most of the time, life seems orderly, familiar and safe. In a matter of minutes, everything can change. As you well know! You will go on. Your four children will force you to live again even though a part of you died with your son. They need your comfort; they need you to show them how to grieve and how to heal. Go with your children to the source of your pain. Sit together, shed tears together, comfort each other. Speak about their brother and have them do the same. The most effective way I know to overcome despair and help yourself is to put the concerns of others before your own. Helping them is the best way to help yourself. Love them into understanding that whatever challenge life presents, with the love of family they can overcome anything, even death.

3. During the last few months, I have had to attend several funerals. I never know what to say OR not to say to the ones left behind. Any suggestions?

Answer: Start with, "I’m sorry" or "I’m sorry for your loss." These are safe expressions you can use to greet the bereaved person or family. Most of the time, the shock of death overtakes loved ones and they’re not really listening to what you say anyway. A warm hug, a kiss on the cheek says it all. You are mourning with them is what those gestures say. But please, don’t say anything that concerns the accident that killed them, the disease that took them (unless you’re making a donation to an organization or charity in the deceased’s name), the person who may be responsible for the death, the news story about the death of the loved one, etc. Those things are strictly taboo! Always put yourself in the mourners’ place. What you’d like to hear is likely to be exactly what they want to hear.

4. I am a woman of 37 years of age and my mother passed away. I have my own family but am feeling like a "little girl" left behind who misses her mother terribly. Will I ever feel better?

Answer: Yes, no question about it! You’re allowing yourself to feel this loss deeply, as you should. That little girl is the one who was first adored by her mother. Ever hear the expression, "When I go home I’m 16 again!" or “My mother doesn’t believe I’m a grown person!" It’s natural for parents to want us to remain children. In a sense, you honor your mother by missing her terribly and recalling all those special memories you’ve shared. Your response to your mother’s passing, assures your recovery and guarantees the sharing of cherished memories with your children. And, you provide a positive example of how meaningful the mother/daughter relationship is as well.

© 2004

About Dr. Cecile Forté…Dr. Cecile Forté is a professional member of the National Speakers Association. Dr. Forté received her doctorate from Hofstra University. She has gained national prominence through television appearances, and her keynote/featured speaker presentations and seminar sessions take her to conferences and media events across the country. A motivational speaker specializing in relationships, women's issues and performance/productivity enhancement, Dr. Forté is a corporate consultant and author of six books including Wise Woman Don’t Have Hot Flashes They Have Power Surges!, A Woman’s Wisdom and Stolen Love under her pseudonym, D. Reid Wallace. Send inquires to Y’s Woman, Inc, 1078 Route 112, Suite 179, Port Jefferson Station, New York 11777. Her website is http://www.mcecileforte.com.

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