Dear Birthmother - Is Adoption Worth the Grief?

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Adoption has life-long consequences and is especially inhumane when a mother wants and loves her child. Rather than pressure her to get her child, people should just help her out.

In some countries there are abortion cemeteries where a person can go to grieve the loss of their unborn child. It is readily accepted that a woman who has such a loss may need to mourn.

But when a child that is already born is lost to adoption her mother may be expected to go on with her life as if nothing happened. She may have been pressured until she gave up hope, she may have been tricked into surrendering her parental rights, or her young “adoptable” child may have been taken by social services using a vague accusation such as “threat of harm”. Regardless, people will tell her that her child is probably fine - the strangers that took her know how to change a diaper. Besides, they deserved a child and she is just a “birth thing” anyway.

No matter how grief-stricken she is, she may be told she must hide it so as not to overshadow the adopter’s joy. A mother may go for years or even decades trying to shut it out of her mind. Some commit suicide. Meanwhile, once in possession of her child, many adopters may have no consideration for her feelings or else they may tell people they pray for her or speak of her to her child occasionally and that should be enough.

Yet, every morning she may wake up and in her mind do everything she imagines she would be doing with her baby. She bathes him, changes his diaper, nurses him, talks with him and laughs with him. She introduces him proudly to everyone. When he gets older it becomes harder to imagine what he might be like. Does he like boating or swimming? Is he energetic or more relaxed? Does he try radical new looks and dye his hair different colors? Is he happy? Is he even alive? If she gets to visit him occasionally she may know some of these things, but she will still miss all the little things that mothers and their children usually share. If she never sees him, everything builds up. Every moment they could have spent together over the years is gone never to return.

She may work hard trying to focus on her own development so as not to miss out on life completely. The pain of the loss of her own son or daughter worse than she ever could have imagined, she may turn to drinking or drugs to try to shut it out of her mind. She may have nightmares in which there are hands reaching up though the mattress toward her belly as if to take her child. She may find it hard to trust or get close to those around her.

Then one day she can stand it no more. It may be years or even decades later and the loss has accumulated over time. Suddenly it’s like a dam has broken and there is a massive outpouring of anguish and pain. Still, how can even a friend understand when she’s crying again the next day and the next? People suggest counseling, but all of the counselors tell her she should have no problem. Her child is probably fine, so she should just not worry about it. Even if he has problems, he’s not her child. Anyway, it’s been years. No one else has a problem with adoption. The insensitivity of each response stabs her to the bone. It is documented in many places that mothers may be very badly affected by the loss of a son or daughter to adoption. All she asked for was a little help.

Oddly, the pro-life community backs off just when a mother might expect support. “You gave life” they say, “but that is not your child.” Adoption is in God’s plan they claim. “We are all adopted children of God.” But did God adopt us away from our mother and then expect her to forget about it?

Tragically, some mothers find that their child is not at all better off adopted. Separated from their mothers and family, many adoptees including those adopted at birth and even those with some contact with their natural family have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and drugged. Other adoptees later tell their mother straight out she would have been the perfect mother for them.

Adoption is inhumane, especially when a mother has not been proven to be unfit and wants her child. Although mothers are often made to feel they are all alone, few mothers are completely friendless and with absolutely no support. The very people counseling her could acknowledge her as the mother of her child and help her keep her child. Nurses, doctors and others could disclose the known effects of separation on a mother and her child. Church people could have a fund-raiser, donate a few of their baby items or take her around to garage sales just for fun. They might suggest shared housing for single mothers so they can help each other or advise mothers on the availability of government programs to help them get on their feet. They could lobby for adequate government programs for natural families, including a training program similar to the government-funded Infant Adoption Awareness Training but with the focus of educating everyone in the community about the most loving option - keeping family together.

Mothers do not deserve this cruel life sentence for giving birth. Unless parents are proven to be unfit rather than being just frightened or poor, adoption is not worth the grief.

Contact Information:

Laurie Frisch

(319) 373-7479

http://www.geocities.com/counting_to_ten
Laurie_Frisch@hotmail.com

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Laurie Frisch

(319) 373-7479
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