The OuchKit - Marriage Counseling in a Box

When people are scared, hurt, or ticked off, they are physiologically incapable of thinking straight. Thats why Betsy Sansby, a Minnesota marriage counselor, created The OuchKit. Its an ingenious communication tool that helps couples express difficult feelings from a distance when theyre not ready to talk face-to-face. The kit contains a set of exchangeable, fill-in-the-blank cards that help couples calm down, gain perspective, and express themselves-without defensiveness or blame. Sansby has found that the tool is especially good for men, because it helps them develop greater emotional fluency. People call it: Marriage Counseling in a Box."

(PRWEB) October 20, 2004 -- When marriage counseling fails, it's usually because couples fail to practice the skills they're learning in therapy once they get home. Minnesota marriage and family therapist, Betsy Sansby, was determined to figure out why so many couples who were making great strides in therapy were losing ground between sessions. Her search led to the creation of The OuchKit," a deceptively simple, profoundly effective communication tool that helps couples improve their relationships.

"Over the past 21 years," said Sansby, "I've developed many communication exercises for couples. But no matter how well the exercises worked during our sessions, couples 'forgot to use them at home when they got into trouble."    

Sansby explained that brain researchers are finding that when people are angry, scared, or hurt, they are physiologically incapable of thinking straight. Stress hormones--designed to fuel the fight or flight response-flood the body, causing the rational part of the brain to shut down, and the irrational part to take over.

"Thats why angry people dont talk to each other," said Sansby. "They rant and rave. They pout and drink. They work on their trucks, buy expensive shoes, kick in walls, or slap their kids." She tried giving couples homework exercises designed to interrupt the stress cycle, but "nobody reaches for a handout in the middle of a rage."

The beauty of The OuchKit is that its not an exercise. Its a set of cards that help you communicate from a distance when when you're not ready to talk in-person. There are six kinds of cards: Ouch, Sorry, Thanks, You're Welcome, I've Been Wondering, Now That You Mention it. On the back of each card are fill-in-the-blank questions and checklists of emotions that help you identify and express what youre feeling. For example, the Ouch card says, I felt bad when you . . ." To me it meant that you . . . If I assume the best about you, I imagine that you. . ." The checklist includes: hurt, unappreciated, rejected, jealous, invisible.

When you fill out a card and leave it for your partner, youre likely to get a card in response. For example, an Ouch card often leads to a Sorry, and an Ive Been Wondering card often leads to a Now That You Mention It. The cards dont replace face-to-face communication, they just give you space to sort out what youre feeling before you talk face-to-face.

Sansby has observed that initially women fill out more cards, but over time, it is men who get the most out of using them--especially those whose emotional fluency is limited. In one session, I asked a man to tell his wife why he felt hurt by something she had done. He said, 'Im not hurt. Im just frustrated. But when I handed him an Ouch card and asked him to go through the checklist, he checked: disrespected, rejected, undermined, controlled, and insulted. His wife was flabbergasted. She didn't have a clue."

Finally, Id found a way to break through." said Sansby. Once couples got into the habit of using the cards with each other, they started using them with their kids. Pretty soon they were wanting OuchKits for their friends and relatives." Thats when she decided to make them available to the public.

For more information contact Betsy Sansby at: info@theouchkit.com.

The 36-card kit costs $19.95 and is now available at: http://www.theouchkit.com, or by calling: 800-898-8036. Visitors can try out the cards for free by sending Ouch, Sorry, or Thanks E-cards from The OuchKit site.

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