Fruitcake Drives Man from Home

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Fruitcakes are a staple of the holiday season, but what if you don't like them? You may just be stuck, says fruitcakeologist F.R. Duplantier, who warns that it's nearly impossible to unload the "spice-baked albatross" once you've accepted delivery.

Fruitcakes are a staple of the holiday season, but what if you don't like them? Don't buy one, right? That's simple enough. But what if someone sends you one? What do you do with it? How do you go about getting rid of an unwanted fruitcake?

Social satirist and amateur fruitcakeologist F.R. Duplantier says it's nearly impossible to unload the "spice-baked albatross" once you've accepted delivery. Duplantier sums up the situation neatly in a lighthearted holiday verse entitled, appropriately enough, "Fruitcake."

FRUITCAKE

A fruitcake came one day

And I sent it on its way.

The next day, then,

It was back again,

But here it cannot stay.

I sent it to one brother,

Who sent it to another.

It eventually

Came back to me,

In a package from my mother.

I sent it to a friend --

At least, he was 'til then.

He sent it back

With a caustic crack

And we never spoke again.

I sent it to my boss

And signed it "Santa Claus."

My name he guessed

And readdressed

That spice-baked albatross.

I sent it to a client,

Who proved to be defiant:

It seems the space

In his office place

Is fruitcake noncompliant.

I picked someone at random

In hopes that he could stand 'em.

It was returned:

Somehow he'd learned

I was the Fruitcake Phantom.

If a fruitcake comes today,

I think I'll let it stay.

It's crystal clear

Its place is here --

And I must move away.

Duplantier is president of Duplantier Creative (http://politickles.com/duplantiercreative/), a writing and graphic arts company. A noted author of light verse and lyrics, he recently wrote and published a Three Stooges version of the yuletide carol "I'll Be Home for Christmas" (http://www.prweb.com/releases/2004/11/prweb179650.php).

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F.R. Duplantier