Dave Barry's Identical Twin Shamelessly Vies for Replacement Slot

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A competing humorist proposes to fill the void left by Dave Barry, who announced his retirement from weekly column writing.

With the sudden announcement that Dave Barry has hit the “Escape” key from his weekly humor column, a woman claiming to be Barry’s transgendered twin brother is shamelessly angling to replace him as America’s leading humorist.

Judy Gruen, author of two humor books that she claims are funny, asserts that although she was always the funnier twin growing up, Dave’s facility to find many uses for the word “booger” made him more popular with an America in cultural decline.

Gruen, whose humor has also appeared in Woman’s Day, Family Circle, and Ladies’ Home Journal, also writes the popular “Off My Noodle” column, which market forces have driven her to give away for free to email subscribers. “But now that Dave is finally hanging it up, I’m emerging from the shadows to stake my claim to huge book sales, a fawning public, and offers of free trips to Maui,” she says.

When asked how a short, Jewish mother of four edging toward plumptitude could possibly be Dave Barry’s identical twin, Gruen explains, “I had to find my own identity, so when Dave was busy writing about exploding toilets, I checked myself into the Mayo Clinic for a sex-change operation.” No spokesperson from the Mayo Clinic could be reached to corroborate. The upstart humorist credits classes in Jewish culture that allowed her to pronounce words like “kugel” and “shlemeil” like a Coney Island regular. “With this disguise, I was finally able to ‘pass’ for an individual, and not just Dave’s older-by-two-minutes brother.”

Unlike her alleged twin, Gruen has not written about travels to Japan (which she says she could not afford) or playing in a rock band. However, in her books, “Carpool Tunnel Syndrome” and “Till We Eat Again,” she has written extensively on why the phrase “one size fits all” should be outlawed as hate speech; why guar gum is really a vegetable; and why bad contractors happen to good people.

Newspaper editors looking to fill the now-gaping hole where Barry used to ply his trade is welcome to sample her columns on http://www.judygruen.com. Those who like what they see can email her at judy@judygruen.com or call her at 310.486.4573. She’ll be sitting by the phone, waiting. (Not that you should feel bad.)

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