When You Marry Him, Youre Also Marrying His "Ex" - Knowing What Drives The Former Wife Helps New Marriages Succeed
Nearly one in three brides who walk down the aisle this month will gain stepchildren along with a husband.* Most of these women will also acquire a relation theyd like to ignore: their husbands former wife. She may not be invited to the wedding, but the ex" is bound to be an important presence in the couples life. *Statistic from the Census Bureau
(PRWEB) June 8, 2005 -- Peacefully co-existing with the childrens mother is crucial," according to stepfamily expert and author Karon Phillips Goodman. Not only do children feel more secure when divorced parents work well together, a good relationship with a former spouse improves the odds that the new marriage will survive.
Goodman recommends that couples first determine what is motivating the ex-wife, and respond appropriately. She offers the following scenarios:
- Shes simply concerned about the welfare of her child(ren). If this is the case, you can alleviate her concern by showing her how well you take care of them.
- Shes jealous. Reassure her that the new woman on the scene isnt trying to replace her as the childrens mother.
- Shes angry. You cant control her anger, but you can control how it affects you. Distance yourself as much as possible, and avoid fueling the fire.
- Shes hurting. Genuine hurt may keep her from acting reasonably. Give her time to heal-and hope that she finds someone new in the meantime!
- Shes unstable. If she truly has a mental disorder, there isnt much you can do, other than taking it into account when you must interact.
- Shes just plain mean. This type of ex" (fortunately rare) will make your life a living hell. Work through legal channels, but be warned: your path wont be easy.
Her motivation may change from day to day, but you always have the power to decide how to respond," Goodman says. Stay focused on being the best parent you can be. Do your part to get along by being as reasonable as you can. Hard as this may be to believe, she may become a valuable ally a few years down the road."
Goodman is the author of "Its Not My Stepkids--Its Their Mom!", about ways to improve the ex-wife/second wife relationship, as well as "The Stepmoms Guide to Simplifying Your Life," winner of a Gold Award from National Parenting Publications. Both were published by EquiLibrium Press, Culver City, California.
"Its Not My Stepkids" is sold as a 56-page booklet or as an e-book, only through the publishers website, www.equipress.com. The booklet retails for $9.95; the e-book for $8.95. "The Stepmoms Guide" (ISBN 096673937X; $14.00) is available from booksellers nationwide, as well as from the publisher.
To receive a media kit or a review copy of either book, or to request an interview with Karon Goodman, please call Susan Goland at (310) 417-8217; fax: (310) 417-8122; e-mail: reviewers@equipress.com.
Ready-to-go interview questions and answers:
What made you decide to write a book dedicated to the ex-wife/second wife relationship?
I write a lot on stepfamily issues, including a monthly newsletter, so I hear from a lot of stepmoms about the challenges they face. Frustration with the childrens mother keeps coming up as the biggest headache. When we asked stepmoms for anecdotes for "The Stepmoms Guide," we received more related to the ex" than any other topic.
Are ex-wife/second wife relationships always as bleak as what you portray in "Its Not My Stepkids"?
Not at all! There are many former spouses who are sensible, mature, and caring, who try to always do whats best for the kids. Unfortunately, some ex-wives are not as reasonable, and the book is addressed to couples in difficult situations.
How can a family protect itself from unreasonable intrusions by the kids mom?
Its very important to take good care of yourself when dealing with a difficult ex," including giving yourself and your family some space. It can mean screening phone calls or having Caller ID. You may choose not to give her your cell phone number or e-mail address. More extreme cases may require a restraining order, picking up the children in a public place, or even moving out of the area.
Why is it important to document bad behavior on the moms part?
First, it gives you facts to focus on, instead of the emotions of a situation. With records, you wont have to rely only on your memory. Documents are very helpful should you end up in court. And if she keeps you from the kids, the records may be valuable someday to show them what really happened.
What can a second wife do when she must share a big event with an ex"?
Remember that the event isnt about you, and focus on the reason everyone has gathered, whether its a holiday, a graduation, or a funeral. Stay cool, keep any unpleasant thoughts to yourself, and relish the thought that it will all be over in a few hours or less.
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome, and how can couples combat it?
PAS is when a parent effectively programs the children against the other parent, so that the parent is shut out of the childrens lives. Parents in this situation need good legal representation. But they also should try to stay involved as much as possible. They can show up at a school event, for example, even if they wont be able to speak to their child.
What should a stepmom do when the ex" lies to the children?
She should never speak ill of the ex." But if the mom blatantly lies, the stepmom should calmly lay out the facts for the children, saying that their mom made a mistake." Tell the children youll never lie to them-and keep that promise.
Have you had any ex-wife experiences" in your own marriage?
Definitely! When my husband and I first married, I would peek out of an upstairs window whenever she picked up or dropped off the kids. That way, I managed to avoid facing her for a couple of years-and we live in a small town. Gradually, I became more relaxed in her presence. And when she sent me a gift to thank me for taking care of the kids while she dealt with a family crisis, I knew we had really turned a corner.
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