Relationship Addiction: A Closer Look at Pleasing Others

Editor of Bookpleasures interviews Irene Watson, author of "The Sitting Swing." They discuss relationship addiction, family secrets, transformation, psychosynthesis, parenting.

Austin, TX (PRWEB) November 27, 2005 -- Norm Goldman, Editor of Bookpleasures.com is pleased to interview guest Irene Watson author of "The Sitting Swing." They discuss relationship addiction, family secrets, transformation, psychosynthesis and parenting in the following interview.

Norm:
Irene, why do you feel that "The Sitting Swing" was an important book for you to write and for all of us to read at this time.

Irene:
I knew my story had to be told to help others parallel their lives and come to an understanding that it’s never too late to change, never too late to heal. One thing I did learn at the recovery center is to share my life, reveal the family dysfunction, address issues, and move on with living a healthy life. Looking back, disclosing “family secrets” is one of the most cathartic experiences for me. I no longer have to live in a lie, and I no longer have to relive the family scripts that have been passed down for generations.

Norm:
What challenges or obstacles did you encounter while writing your book? How did you overcome these challenges?

Irene:
I knew I had a book inside me but kept putting it off because I didn’t know where to start. One day I just started and it evolved from there. After "The Sitting Swing" was in manuscript form my largest obstacle ended up being whether or not I was ready for the world to discover who I am. You see, my parents are still alive and I had to detach from the outcome in the event my mother read the book and made it about herself – what a “bad” mother she was while I was growing up. She would not get the fact that the book is about my process and probably disown me – again. Once I let go of the outcome I immediately was picked up by two publishers and had to make a choice of who was going to publish "The Sitting Swing."

Norm:
Much of your book is taken up with your childhood and your unpleasant experiences with your parents, particularly your mother. What kind of an upbringing did your parents have? To what extent do you believe that their upbringing influenced their behavior towards you?

Irene:
My parents’ upbringing was typical of their culture where the household is run under stern patriarchal or matriarchal rule, casting them as authoritarian parents. Their parents were highly demanding but not responsive to the child’s needs. They expected their orders to be obeyed without explanation – do as I say, not as I do. There was much guilt induction and shaming, as well as expectation of acceptance of their judgments, values, and goals without questioning. Education was not a priority and was not encouraged.

I believe that my parents’ upbringing was very influential towards me because they continued the same parenting style as my grandparents did. On top of that, the blame and shame cast on my mother because of her perceived weakness that caused the child’s death placed much fear into her. She was not going to loose another child and the only way she could do that is show her strength (control.)

Norm:
As a follow up, do you believe that we are all products of our enviroment?

Irene:
No, I don’t. What I believe is that environment certainly plays a large part in our development. I believe that environment, coupled with traits that are encoded in our DNA makes up who we are. However, I also believe that the behaviors we learn in our environment can be changed, and the DNA, well, those can be worked with, and understood.

Norm:
You spent twenty eight days in the Avalon Retreat Center. Please tell us what this center is all about and why did you decide to spend time there? What did it accomplish?

Irene:
Avalon is a treatment center, with closed group sessions, that guides clients toward solutions that lead to self-empowerment. They believe that recovery is a process, not an event.
Their model is on the premise that dependencies and addictions are anchored in an exaggerated need to self-medicate as a result of the person’s inability to access their inner strength. Avalon provides tools designed to experience healthier relationships with self, others, and life. The ultimate is to produce a “spiritual awakening.”

I decided to attend Avalon because it had a good track record with my friends. I was experiencing numbness, hurt and negative feelings about myself. The more I listened to my clients, the more of my own pain and inadequacies surfaced. My behaviors toward my self and my family were not healthy and I knew that I had to do something about it.

Attending Avalon’s program freed me from self-defeating repetitive patterns and dependencies. However, it is an ongoing process that takes daily effort but I am willing to make the investment necessary to live a much healthier life than I had prior to Avalon.

Norm:
Could you tell our readers what is meant by the addiction some people have to always want to please others?

Irene:
Ten or so years ago this addiction was coined as co-dependency, however more recently the National Mental Health Association is terming it as “relationship addiction.” It is a learned behaviour that is often passed down through the generations by watching other family members display the behavior.

These people have low self-esteem and look for anything outside themselves to make them feel better. One way to feel better is rescuing or fixing others by unhealthy caretaking, basically pleasing others. This gives a sense of reward and satisfaction of “being needed.” However, when the caretaking becomes compulsive, the feeling of helplessness acerbates and becomes very difficult to break away from the cycle that causes it. Soon the person is in a vicious circle and feels that the only way they can exist is by becoming the hero in others eyes.

Norm:
Do you believe that many individuals either consciously or unconsciously dwell too much on unpleasant past events that unfortunately prevent them from moving on in their lives?

Irene:
Yes, of course. Many people are in a black hole and put blame on their past events, past upbringing, or their past in general. Unless the individual makes the choice to “move on” and create a well balanced life, they will continue to see themselves as a victim. The only way out of the black hole is to acknowledge past experiences and turn them into the strengths of moving forward.

Norm:
Is there anything else you wish to add that we have not covered?

Irene:
Yes, I want to encourage readers to look at their own lives and know that just one little change in their thoughts, attitudes, or behaviors can make a difference in how they feel. Also, I want them to know the scripts that have been passed down for generations do not have to be adhered to. Each one of us is very capable and there are tools to create our own life scripts, and that our children can create their own too.

Norm:
Thanks once again Irene and good luck with your book and all of your future endeavors.

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