Clement Clark Moore's Famous Poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" Updated for Christmas Traffic Congestion

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Twas the night before Christmas is revamped for modern times.

Here’s a bit of Holiday trivia for you. Who wrote A Visit from St. Nicholas? Congratulations if you picked Clement Clark Moore as the author of the poem which begins, "Twas the night before Christmas."

As it happens, Mr. Moore possessed scholarly talents that went beyond writing poetry. For 29 years he held the position of professor of Greek and Oriental literature at the General Theological Seminary in New York City. His timeless Christmas classic, though, guaranteed his spot in literary history; even though it was written in 1823.

But suppose Professor Moore was not born in 1779, but rather 1979? To continue this postulation, let’s assume that he harbored some prohibitionist proclivities. Odds are his Christmas classic would have turned out drastically different perhaps even something like this:

Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the town,

the freeways were quiet,

traffic counts were way down.

Most commuters were home

asleep for the night;

gleefully dreaming

of morning’s first light.

While Santa was driving

in his suit and red cap,

not once getting lost

‘cause he had a road map.

With his eight quick reindeer

moving fast was a breeze.

The carpool lanes helped

maintain schedule with ease.

But something was wrong,

it was very unnerving.

The sleigh crossed the white line;

Rudolph was swerving.

Earlier that evening,

unbeknownst to St. Nick,

a disgruntled elf

played a mean little trick.

When no one looking,

to the trough he did come.

Where reindeer drink eggnog,

he added some rum.

The reindeer liked it.

Their heads they did dunk,

many times in the eggnog

until they were drunk.

But out on the highway

they started to veer.

Even poor Rudolph

was unable to steer.

The unthinkable happened,

the sleigh hit the railing.

It spun out and flipped over

and sent Santa sailing.

9-1-1 was called first,

then "news" got the word.

On radio and TV,

this message was heard.

"On the eastbound I-10

watch out up ahead:

toys and gifts in all lanes

with a jack-knifed sled."

An ambulance rolled

‘cause Blitzen was hurt.

Lanes were coned off

for a "Santa Alert."

The reindeer were useless;

alcohol was to blame.

They were handcuffed in pairs

and led off in shame.

Fast action was needed

to help save the day.

a tow truck was called,

to pull Santa’s sleigh.

With flashing red lights

Highway Patrol led the pack.

The tow truck came next,

with Santa in back.

The toys were delivered

with mirth and good cheer.

Christmas was saved,

despite the reindeer.

As for the elf,

his career was cut short.

For "wasting" the reindeer

he landed in court.

They all learned a lesson

that is painfully true.

Drinking causes crashes;

it could happen to you.

The message is timeless;

and goes out to one and all.

If you drive on Christmas,

please skip the alcohol.

copyright information:

"A Freeway Christmas Carol"

By David Rizzo (AKA Dr. Roadmap)

Copyright 1994, David Rizzo
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