Got a Cheating Spouse? Don’t Get Nice, Get a Backbone.

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Should a betrayed mate bend over backwards to entice an unfaithful spouse back into the relationship? Is there anything the offended spouse can do to bring about the end of an affair more quickly? Professional marriage coach, Penny R. Tupy, answers this and more.

Fifty percent of husbands and forty percent of wives cheat on their mates. At the high end, experts estimate infidelity can affect as many as eighty percent of US marriages. What’s a betrayed spouse to do when confronted with the evidence of a trusted mate’s affair? According to Penny R. Tupy, professional marriage coach, “Being nice, being a doormat, is the worst thing possible if the betrayed partner wants to save the marriage. The offended spouse needs to get a backbone and let the wayward mate know right off the bat an affair is not acceptable.”

Tupy’s straightforward ebook “Overcoming Infidelity: Intervention and Protection Phases” (order your copy from details exactly how a betrayed husband or wife should handle the situation. With pithy statements such as, “the likelihood of your spouse ending an affair because you keep the house cleaner, become a better conversationalist, or are willing to have sex every night, is pretty slim,” this book tells it like it is. Tupy doesn’t pull any punches. She also makes it clear an affair is never a solution to any of life’s problems and that affairs happen in really good marriages as well as those that are neglected.

Tupy, founder of Marriage Fidelity Day, offers this controversial advice when an affair is uncovered:

  •     Confront the unfaithful partner immediately. Let him know exactly what you know and that you’re not going to look the other way. Make sure your partner knows this hurts you.
  •     Ask for help from those who have a vested interest in your marriage. Parents, friends, family, and faith community are excellent sources of rational intervention. Ask them to speak with your mate on your behalf about the affair and the damage it is causing.
  •     If it’s a workplace affair consider getting HR involved. Companies are more and more skittish about the threat of sexual harassment lawsuits due to illicit workplace romance.
  •     Address your own issues. If you have a history of abuse, neglect, or just plain bad habits work on bettering your own behavior.
  •     Take care of yourself. An affair can produce post traumatic stress symptoms in the betrayed partner. Eating right, getting enough exercise, regular sleeping habits can help.
  •     Keep your cool. Ranting, whining, and carrying on are singularly unattractive. It will not entice your mate back into the marriage. It might send her running in the opposite direction.
  •     Be prepared to end all contact with your mate until the affair is over and she’s ready to commit to healing the marriage.
  •     Get professional pro-marriage help from someone who understands and specializes in infidelity.

Sandra and Sean were married ten years when he fell for an office mate fifteen years his senior. At first Sandra tried to entice Sam back with racy lingerie and candlelight dinners. When he continued the affair with even more secrecy she got a backbone. Letting him know she wasn’t going to participate willingly in a threesome she enlisted the help of family and friends.

At first Sam refused to listen to any discussion of the irrationality of the infatuation. But as Sandra worked at taking care of herself and as his work suffered he began to realize what he was risking. After a year the affair was completely ended and Sam and Sandra began the work of recovery.

He says now, “It wasn’t until Sandy backed off that I realized I might lose everything. I couldn’t see what I had until it was almost too late. I credit her with saving our marriage.”

“Affairs are a fact of life. The best kept secret about them is an affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage. Hilary Clinton is not the only wife to forgive and move on; every day countless couples recover and heal their relationships after betrayal. The key to saving your marriage is getting educated, getting grounded, and getting a backbone. Taking the easy path of enabling the betrayal by being nice and looking the other way or bending over backwards to please the offending mate may seem right. It can spell disaster. Standing strong for the marriage with dignity and calm might be the hardest thing you ever do. And it might be the one thing that ends the affair and keeps your family together.”

About Penny R. Tupy:

Infidelity expert and professional marriage coach Penny R. Tupy is the author of the ebook Overcoming Infidelity: Intervention and Protection Phases, which details exactly what to do and why when an affair is uncovered. She is the founder of SYMC Global Village Inc a not for profit community that advocates for marriage around the globe.

Tupy is the visionary behind Marriage Fidelity Day which celebrates both those who have never strayed as well as those who have and who have done the courageous work of healing and recovery. For more information about Marriage Fidelity Day visit

To interview Penny Tupy or for information about coaching for your marriage call 651.775.8302


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