NewsLaugh Exclusive! 'Al-Qaeda In Hell, Or Allah’s Surprising Ingratitude' -- It's Our Spoof of the Week

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In this week’s free issue, NewsLaugh.com, The Sanely Funny Weekly Humor Magazine, presents “Al-Qaeda In Hell, Or Allah’s Surprising Ingratitude,” as its pointed but hilarious Spoof of the Week, in which suicide bombers are condemned to take eight doomed flights a week, up out of and then straight back down to hell. Read how their eternal punishment begins and ends -- and where Osama fits into the hot seat. Then click onto NewsLaugh.com to read it all.

In this week’s free issue, NewsLaugh.com, The Sanely Funny Weekly Humor Magazine, presents “Al-Qaeda In Hell, Or Allah’s Surprising Ingratitude,” as its pointed but hilarious Spoof Of The Week, in which suicide bombers are condemned to take eight doomed flights a week, up out of and then straight back down to hell. Read how their eternal punishment begins and ends -- and how Osama fits into the hot seat. Then click onto NewsLaugh.com to read it all:

Mohammed One raised his hands toward where he thought heaven might be, and wailed, “I can’t stand it anymore! Allah, have mercy!”

But the sky, flame-streaked and smoky, remained unresponsive. So he sank to his knees and began to weep, but the ground was so hot it blistered his knees instantly and he screamed and leaped to his feet again. At least, when he was upright his sneakers could cushion the heat at what he had always understood as the opposite of the heaven of his dreams, that is, hell, also eternity’s ground zero for grievous sinners.

At that moment, Mohammed Two came rolling in at high speed. “Try spinning as fast as you can,” he said as he went. “You get blisters slower.”

“I tried, but I bruised my elbows,” wailed Mohammed One, watching the twirling Mohammed disappear into the smoky environs. Then he raised his scorched beard and pleaded once again to the ever reticent sky. “Why, oh, why, Allah, have you condemned me to hell? I gave my life in your service!”

But the sky did not respond. And then what he feared most came into view through the smoke-gray clouds -- a passenger jet.

“No, no, not again!” Mohammed One pleaded. “Please, Allah, have mercy!”

But the plane cruised closer and then landed.

“Oh, Allah, preserve me,” Mohammed One sighed, and wept, putting his hands to his face.

Then to door of the plane opened and the captain appeared in the doorway. While he was dressed like a pilot, he did have a red and nasty tail, which slapped as he spoke.

“All aboard!” he announced. “Time for another doomed flight!”

“I just can’t do it again!” Mohammed One appealed. “My body is still healing from the last seven flights.”

“So is mine,” said the red-tailed captain. “But I have my orders.” Then he raised his voice, calling, “Mohammed! Everybody named Mohammed who has been a terrorist who blew up a plane or threatened to do so and every terrorist by any other name who has been condemned for the same -- we take off in one minute. And don’t forget your explosive devices. You know the punishment for that -- two extra flights a day for two weeks.”

And so the story of the suicide bombers unexpected destiny in the hot seat continues, while all they can look forward to is the day Osama Bin Laden, the madman who deluded them into shaming Allah and their Prophet, will be condemned to join the scorched crew in their eternal punishment in the hot seat, as follows:

Oh, if they only had their precious lives to live over again, how differently they would have behaved. How full of the goat’s milk of human kindness, instead of the purveyors of liquid bombs or any bombs at all.

But now they knew, knew for all time and to their own wretched shame, that Allah was not a pal a theirs. Their only consolation was the certain knowledge that someday Osama Bin Laden and all the other terrorist misleaders were destined to be condemned to the same hell, and they awaited the time of his and their arrival with harsh questions and hot rocks. And no dream inflamed their imaginations more that the time when Osama Bin Laden would have to accompany them on flight after flight up from and then back down to the eternal infamy and flames of Allah’s and Mohammed’s justice, which in its infinite harshness seemed to them more like, if they dared even mention the word in regard to God and their Prophet, revenge -- blistering-hot revenge.

Had their behavior been so terrible as to bring out such a response even from God and Mohammed? It seemed so and, in fact, certain, and that sorrowful realization so increased their woe that they would cry but they had not enough liquids in their parched bodies to supply their tears, and the few that welled over their lids when they could squeeze them out evaporated into the overheated air in which they sweltered even between doomed flights, not only loveless but despised of their God and their Prophet.

This telling but humorous story is only one of the many ways readers can discover “Sanity Through Laughter” by going to NewsLaugh.com, created by humorist Tom Attea, which claims, “You can’t change the news but you can laugh at it.”

Other sanely funny features in this week’s free issue include:

  • Make War As Make Nice; Israel’s Commendable But Costly Military Tactic
  • Foiled Again! The Attack Of The Citizen Killers

  • Oil Update From BP: A Bear Ate The Pipeline
  • PBS Fires Cinderella; Calls Display Of Bare Foot Scandalous
  • Joe Lieberman Loses Democratic Primary; Republicans Celebrate

  • New Survey: Americans Not As Polarized As Politicians And Newscasters

Readers may also subscribe to NewLaugh's free weekly newsletter for exclusive laughs and offers.

Each week, NewsLaugh.com presents humorous weekly articles under such headings as Sanely Funny Cover Story, Dreadline of the Week, Shreditorial, Washington Spin Din, Clever Monkey of the Week, and a Spoof of the Week.

About Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com:

Mr. Attea has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his comedy writing, “delightfully funny,” “witty,” with “great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs.”

He was awarded a grant as a playwright by New York’s Theater For The New City and co-wrote the first feature film Showtime produced.

He has extensive experience in news media. He wrote the recent campaign for The New York Sun, New York’s new broadsheet newspaper, “Illuminate Your World,” the classic campaign for Time Magazine, “There’s never been a greater need for understanding,” and the long-running theme for The Village Voice, “In this city, you need a Voice.” In broadcast media, he wrote the advertising that successfully introduced Lifetime television, “There’s nothing like a woman’s Lifetime,” and oversaw all the advertising for WABC TV and radio in New York.

The complete issue is available at http://www.newslaugh.com

For more information, email haha @ newslaugh.com

Tom Attea

Creator & Writer

Newslaugh.Com

Visit the Site

Telephone: 212-769-4545

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Make War As Make Nice; Israel's Commendable But Costly Military TacticMake War As Make Nice; Israel's Commendable But Costly Military TacticHas a nation every conducted a war like the one Israel waged against Hezbollah? Instead of the usual “war is hell,” it was more like an attempt to conduct war as make nice. Now that a cease fire is in place, fragile as it may be, let's review the tactic and how it weathered the war. Did we hear announcements from Israel anywhere remotely near “We will destroy you to the last man”? No, instead we heard niceties like: "… terrorist elements ... are using you as human shields by launching rockets toward the state of Israel from your homes." "All cars and vehicles of any type will be shelled if seen moving south of the Litani River because they will be considered suspect of transferring rockets, military ammunitions and those causing destruction.” “You need to know that anyone moving in any type of car will put their life in danger." Leaflets warned of a "painful and strong" response to attacks by Hezbollah and warned the residents of three suburbs in the south of Lebanon to evacuate. And, to make nice even more, Israel granted the Red Cross "freedom of movement" for its convoys, which have been providing aid to people in Lebanon. The effort was sort of like a dentist attempting to pull a tooth with his fingers, instead of using forceps. So he pulls a little here and there, and every time the patient winces, he stops, until he and the patient give up, and the tooth is still stuck right where it was. Only now the it hurts more than ever, because of all the painful effort.