Collaborative Divorce: A Better Way to End a Marriage

Divorce litigation turns the family into a warzone. A new approach makes the process easier on parents and the kids - here's how it helps restructure the family and the finances.

(PRWEB) September 9, 2006 -- It’s been a long hot summer in the divorce wars, beginning with the McCartney split, expected to be most expensive on record with $400 million at stake. Giants’ football star Michael Strahan and his wife made so many pre-emptive strikes that the proceedings were dubbed a “New Jersey Gotterdammerung” and a case of “mutually assured destruction.” And in the ultimate explosive ending, Manhattan physician Nicholas Bartha was accused of blowing up his townhouse to avoid losing it in the settlement.

With psychologist Peggy Thompson, San Francisco attorney Pauline Tesler has written a how-to guide, Collaborative Divorce (ReganBooks, HarperCollins) that shows how families benefit from an innovative team approach.

“Litigation can be a roller coaster ride where couples lose any sense of reality and control,” says Tesler. “The adversary process pushes everybody to extremes. That’s why so many couples are now trying to eliminate the pit-bull lawyers and do this out of court.”

“Even the most well meaning people suffer from what we call ‘Divorce Tourette’s’—a condition marked by sudden angry outbursts,” Tesler adds. “Litigation feeds hostility and opposition. With over half of all marriages ending in divorce, we need a sane alternative.”

Tesler is a pioneer of collaborative divorce, invented in the early 1990s to foster communication, teach conflict resolution, help the family create a plan for the future, and keep everyone healthy throughout this difficult transition.

In collaborative divorce:

Each partner has legal counsel. Attorneys sign a binding pledge not to take this case to court. Information is shared and there are no closed doors. “As a result, suspicion and paranoia drop dramatically,” says Tesler. “From the start, our goal is problem-solving.”

Each person has a divorce coach. “A family therapist coaches you to articulate your key issues, so you deal with them constructively,” says Thompson. “The emotions get high, we can also call a ‘time-out’ and give someone a chance to deal with a trigger point.”

A child development specialist meets with the children separately, listens to their chief concerns and helps the family to address them. Children of old-style divorce are more likely to have emotional and physical problems the year of the breakup, and long afterward. The collaborative process keeps parents from turning each other into ‘the bad guy’ and it gives the kids a voice,” says Thompson. “As a result, they are likely to be more resilient.“

A neutral financial consultant gathers data, analyzes the family resources, and helps devise creative solutions beyond the power of the court. Instead of hiding facts and hoarding assets, couples bring all necessary information to the table end up with a deeper understanding of their money situation than they ever had before.

These professionals help the couple deal with challenges they are likely to face after the divorce, such as the introduction of a new step-parent, a long-distance move or a change in visitation patterns.

Does this mean a hefty price tag? No, says Tesler. “In my part of California a traditional divorce for a middle class client with a house and two children can run from $30,000 to well over $100,000. And that’s only for one partner. A collaborative process will probably cost a third of that or less.”

While traditional divorces often take three to five years to resolve, the collaborative process is usually concluded within twelve to eighteen months. The important thing, says Tesler, is that the couple sets the pace.

A collaborative divorce is also private. When couples go through the courts, their finances and other highly personal information are in the public record, and the risk of identity theft escalates.

The big surprise is that this process is so effective it often leads to reconciliation. “About one in ten of our couples decide to get back together because they’ve learned some basic problem-solving and communication skills,” says Thompson. To date, more than 80,000 individuals have chosen the collaborative option and the demand is steadily increasing, according to the authors.

“A lot of what we do is educational and preventive. If a collaborative divorce doesn’t bring you back together with your former spouse, it will very likely increase your chances of getting things right the next time around,” Tesler says.

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