NewsLaugh Exclusive! "The Invention of Sex; An Eyewitness Account" – Part One of "The Invention of Everything."

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In this week’s free issue, NewsLaugh.com, The Sanely Funny Weekly Humor Magazine, presents the first part of a document that arrived in our inbox, called “The Invention of Everything; An Eyewitness Account.” We immediately realized it was authentic and had to share it with you. This issue presents Part One, "The Invention of Sex." Here’s just a glimpse of the contents of the priceless manuscript, starting with a snippet from the author's revelatory introduction. Click onto NewsLaugh.com to read the rest of the intro and all about the first invention the doc covers.

In this week’s free issue, NewsLaugh.com, The Sanely Funny Weekly Humor Magazine, presents the first part of a document that arrived in our inbox, called “The Invention of Everything; An Eyewitness Account.” We immediately realized it was authentic and had to share it with you. This issue presents Part One, "The Invention of Sex." Here’s just a glimpse of the contents of the priceless manuscript, starting with a snippet from the author's revelatory introduction. Click onto NewsLaugh.com to read the rest of the intro and all about the first invention the doc covers.

“Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know

and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.

"I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you.

“Once we voted to go ahead with the idea of the universe, we had to deal with a lot of details. In fact, the day after we took the vote, we had a crisis on our hands. If there was going to be something in the universe besides vacant planets and underutilized suns, especially something that might enjoy our big achievement, the item or items would have to have a way to replicate. We didn’t want to have to show up every time the job had to get done.

"At first, figuring out how it would work sounded easy enough. Who knew how many complications there would be? I’ll just give you the top line. Here’s how the discussion went.

“I know we’ve all put in a long day,” the CEO said, “but nobody goes home till we put the lid on the reproduction issue, OK?”

Everybody agreed with the big boss. So tonight would be the night we invented sex. I became excited just thinking about it. Since I can’t identify the participants anymore than I do, you’ll just have to make do with the dialogue.

“Are we sticking with the idea that most of them are incomplete in themselves?”

“Anybody want most creatures to be hermaphrodites?”

Nobody raised their hands.

“OK. So now we have these two halves. Let’s pick a species so we can see what we’re talking about."

“How about the ones we decided to call human beings?”

“I can go with that. What do we call the two halves?”

“How about men and women?”

“As in male and female?”

“Right."

"I like it. So back to the reason we’re working late. How do they reproduce?”

“Since there are two halves, they’ll need some way to mix things together, so a third thing results, right?”

“Sounds on the money. So what do we call these two things?”

“How about the male has this thing we call a sperm, and the woman has this other thing we call an egg?”

“Brilliant. Now we have a sperm and an egg. Where do we go from here?”

“You mean, how do they get together?”

“Yeah.”

“What if the male mails his sperm to the female?”

“It arrives in her mailbox?”

“Right.”

“Might die on the way. Remember, in the early days they won’t know about all the benefits of freezing, just weather-related incidents.”

“You’re right. We have to give them time to discover advanced stuff for themselves....”

Other sanely funny features in this week’s free issue include:

  • America May Become Nonaligned Nation; Cites Worldwide Ingratitude
  • Israel Weighs Recognition of Palestine’s Right To Exist
  • Quick Question: Does God Advocate Murder?
  • Surgeon General Issues New Warning. Caution: Eating Spinach May Be Hazardous To Your Health
  • Oui, Monsieur, The French Are Not Immune. Si, Signore, Even The Pope Must Do The Rope A Dope
  • Senate Wonders If New Kind Of Warfare Requires New Rules; Forgets How Colonists Picked Off Redcoats
  • Studies Show Angry People Get More Heart Attacks; Nice People Delighted

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Each week, NewsLaugh.com presents humorous weekly articles under such headings as Sanely Funny Cover Story, Dreadline of the Week, Shreditorial, Washington Spin Din, Clever Monkey of the Week, and a Spoof of the Week.

About Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com:

Mr. Attea has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his comedy writing, “delightfully funny,” “witty,” with “great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs.”

He was awarded a grant as a playwright by New York’s Theater For The New City and co-wrote the first feature film Showtime produced.

He has extensive experience in news media. He wrote the recent campaign for The New York Sun, New York’s new broadsheet newspaper, “Illuminate Your World,” the classic campaign for Time Magazine, “There’s never been a greater need for understanding,” and the long-running theme for The Village Voice, “In this city, you need a Voice.” In broadcast media, he wrote the advertising that successfully introduced Lifetime television, “There’s nothing like a woman’s Lifetime,” and oversaw all the advertising for WABC TV and radio in New York.

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