Rekindling the Romance: Nine Steps to Turn Embers Back Into Flames

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The nine steps to rekindle a waning romance, and the one Harvard Medical School-verified method to release underlying hurt and resentment that may be stifling the love and romance within relationships.

Every relationship, whether new or old, reaches a point where the fire has burned out. Finishing each other's sentences is no longer cute, his snoring is becoming unbearable, or her taking hour-long showers no longer acceptable. There are nine key steps to help rekindle the romance, and one Harvard Medical School-verified program callled The Sedona Method to help resolve the anger and resentment that often underlies such relationships.

On the surface, says relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall, "the most common things couples argue about are money, sex, work, children and housework -- roughly in that order."

Delving even deeper, romances often dwindle because of a lack of communication, a lack of affection, differences in opinion or not taking the time for one another as you once did; these issues tend to manifest themselves in the practical, everyday routine.

Rekindling the romance may seem futile, says Hale Dwoskin, co-founder of The Sedona Method, but rest assured it is beneficial. Study after study has shown that married people, along with those in committed relationships, tend to be happier than those who are not, so devoting time to nurturing the relationship can only serve to boost morale, well-being and peace of mind.

At the most basic level -- for those not sure where to begin rekindling the romance in their relationship -- they should start by putting their partner first. A study by University of Chicago researchers found that people were happiest when they loved in this altruisistic way.

"Altruistic love was associated with greater happiness in general and especially with more marital happiness," confirms Tom Smith of the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

In the study, those who agreed with statements that define altruism (such as "I'd rather suffer myself than let the one I love suffer) also reported being happy with their spouses. Further:

-67 percent of the most altruistic people rated their marriage as "very happy"

-Only 50 percent of the least altruistic people rate their marriage as "very happy"

-While 40 percent of married people were very altruistic, only 20 percent of singles and 25 percent of divorced or separated people were

It's not easy, of course, to put a partner first, particularly when conflicts have snuffed out "the magic." However, there is a way to let go of differences, even when anger and resentment may have been bubbling under the surface for years -- a way to achieve a more altruistic, more fulfilling and more romantic love -- and it's called The Sedona Method.

The Method -- which has been scientifically evaluated and verified by Harvard Medical School -- is a simple process that allows people to tap their natural ability to let go of the feelings that cause them to get lost in negative thought or communication patterns (such as constant bickering, belittling, boredom or overall unrest in the relationship). This releasing is incredibly freeing, and is the key to sharing open and satisfying communication.

As people release non-love feelings, they tend to rediscover the magic that brought them together in the first place. It's like falling in love all over again, only this time with solidity as well as delight.

Along with using The Sedona Method to let go of underlying anger and resentment, people can focus on the following "psychological tasks" from the American Psychological Association, all of which are essential to creating -- and keeping -- a warm, sincere and romantic relationship.

1. Build an identity with your partner that is your own (i.e., separate from the family you grew up in, siblings, etc.).

2. Open yourself to sharing intimacies with your partner, and build a togetherness from them, while still setting boundaries to protect each person's desired autonomy.

3. If you have children, embrace the roles of parenting together while still protecting the privacy of you and your partner as a couple.

4. Establish a rich sexual relationship, and protect it from work and family obligations.

5. View your relationship as a safe haven in which both partners can express their differences, anger, opinions, etc.

6. Confront inevitable life crises, and overcome them, together.

7. Laugh often and keep your sense of humor to stave off boredom and feelings of isolation.

8. Nurture and comfort your partner, allowing him or her to depend on you, while offering encouragement and support.

9. Embrace the changes that occur in your relationship over time, but don't forget the early, romantic feelings of falling in love.

Right now everyone can get the free Insiders Guide to The Sedona Method email course sampler by inputting their name and email in the sidebar on the right at

For more insights on the topic of rekindling the romance in relationships and related topics, Hale Dwoskin, New York Times Best-Selling author of The Sedona Method, and CEO and Director of Training of Sedona Training Associates, is available for interviews. Sedona Training Associates is an organization that teaches courses based on the emotional releasing techniques originated by Hale Dwoskin's mentor, Lester Levenson. Dwoskin is an international speaker and featured faculty member at Esalen and the Omega Institute. He is also a featured speaker in the made-for-TV movie, "The Secret." For over a quarter century, he has regularly been teaching The Sedona Method techniques to individuals and corporations throughout the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom. Visit

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