How Good Women Are Causing Their Men To Cheat

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Sex expert and registered nurse, Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN, author of "Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women and Sex" explains how women are unknowingly causing their mates to cheat. And it's not exactly what you might think.

The recent Sex and the City film brings to light new insights into how some women are unknowingly setting their men up to cheat. And then points out just how these same unsuspecting women are devastated and mad as hell when they find out that their men have been to bed with other women.

But who is to blame, really? Is it the cheating guy or is it his uninterested gal who isn't giving him enough sexual satisfaction to keep him from straying?

And just exactly what changes in the relationship and the bedroom that turns things from honeymoon happiness to hearing that dreaded mantra, "Not tonight, I have a headache."

How can Sex and the City's Miranda not want to make love for 6 months with her sweetheart of a husband, Steve? (She assures her gal friends they're just "in a slump" and with her hectic life, that's "normal," right?) How can a man stay faithful to a woman who no longer desires him? And how can a woman blame a man who wanders when he finds himself trapped between a sexless marriage and someone who takes interest and makes him feel like a man again?

According to relationship expert and registered nurse, Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN, author of "Please Dear, Not Tonight: The Truth About Women and Sex," there is certainly much to blame on both sides, yet she points out how much is tied to women's bedroom behaviors, or more specifically, the lack thereof, that seems to start the cheating process to begin with.

Fay's goal for her book was to help men better understand the women in their beds, with the hopes that it would lead to better relationships overall. Yet what she discovered in interviewing women across the country was that many are sexually unfulfilled, frustrated, and confused … not by men, but by their own lack of understanding about their own bodies.

"Most of us learned about sex in the 7th grade locker room from our best friends, or of course in sex ed classes where they told you how having sex either led to getting a baby or a disease. You just weren't supposed to do it. We were certainly never taught much about the intricacies of our own bodies. We were never taught about finding pleasure or sexual satisfaction. There was certainly no talk about proper body parts even. Boys, we learned, had penises and girls had vaginas. As if that was the end of it. I guess the assumption was that we were supposed to figure it out once we were married or at least in a committed relationship. Well, sadly enough, many women never did figure "it" out." And as a result, many are missing out on the wonders of great sex and may be inadvertently causing much of the sexual dissatisfaction that's really going on out there.

This lack of understanding of their own bodies has led many women to short changing themselves in the sexual department, according to Fay. While women initially may have been willing sex partners with their mates, if they didn't know how to achieve their own satisfaction, much less explain their needs to their partner, the end result could be one happy man and one less than smiling woman.

Unfortunately, as Meg Ryan so aptly showed us years ago in When Harry Met Sally, a good woman can fake her satisfaction well enough to leave any man thinking he's a stud and believing that she'll be excited about a repeat performance, when in fact many women just can't wait for love making to be over. To many it is, sadly enough, just not that fulfilling.

And because these women pull away from their men, the men are pulling away from their women.

Of course for women who used sex as a means to capture a man, then once hooked, turn cold in the sex department, they only have themselves to blame if their men quit being interested and end up coming home late more and more often, probably finding comfort elsewhere.

But are men at all responsible in this complex puzzle? Fay believes that the biggest thing that men do wrong is to assume they understand women. For even if they may have had a fabulous sexual relationship with one gal, the next one can be so very different that all bets are off that her needs will even remotely be the same. The differences between women are huge. And assuming that they are all alike can be the kiss of death - even for a well-intentioned guy who has put some time into studying the fairer sex.

"Men may think they've learned everything they could possibly know about women from their buddies or even from the Net, but what men don't know is astounding", as Fay quickly discovered interviewing the stronger sex. "Their serious lack of information, or at least mis-information, totally amazed me," she reports. "It's no wonder things go a bit haywire in the bedroom and women end up frustrated."

So what's the answer? Fay suggests that both men and women need a re-education about sex, and not from porn sites or sex films (mostly written and directed by men).

Men and women really need to spend time learning about each others' anatomy, desires, fantasies, sensations, and the intricacies of what makes each of us tick. Research shows that guys think about sex in some fashion about every 52 seconds and women about once a day. So our differences are obvious. Men want to feel validated as men. Women want to feel loved and needed and cherished. It's our honest and open communication about what our needs are that are crucial pieces to making any relationship work. And when things get out of whack in the bedroom, it most definitely spills over into the rest of the relationship.

This doesn't necessarily mean that couples need a sex therapist (although in some cases that might be beneficial) but rather that both men and women take steps towards better understanding about the opposite sex.

Fay wrote "Please Dear, Not Tonight" not only to help men better understand women, but for women to better understand themselves. She's also launching courses for both men and women to teach them those things they never learned back in the 7th grade. As a registered nurse, Fay has a comfort level about the human body and can speak with a professional voice rather than the typical sex ed porn site, which is filled with erotica and no safe place to answer difficult questions, whether medical or sexual.

"Most men really want to satisfy their mates, especially sexually. And usually they're pretty eager to learn. But until women do a better job of understanding their own bodies, and start embracing the fact that sex is a fabulous gift that we as humans are blessed with, our bedroom issues will only continue, as will cheating and obviously, as an end result - divorce," says Fay. "If women aren't going to be more sexual with their partners, and continue to see making love as just a chore, then they should at least quit being mad at their mates for wandering."

For more information on this topic, or to arrange a speaking engagement or interview, contact Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN. She is a talented regular on TV and radio. For more copy, sample interview questions, or to view some of her TV clips, stop by Or visit Phone: 303-841-7691. (Denver) She's willing to travel for interviews, even on short notice.


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