World’s Top Writers Play Practical Joke on Brad Meltzer

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Scott Turow, Nora Roberts, Nicholas Sparks, and Others Unite to Petition Bestselling Author Brad Meltzer to Give Up Writing Forever

"I want to congratulate Brad on turning 40. For years, after all, I've been saying that he writes like an 8 year old." - Nicholas Sparks

In honor of his Brad Meltzer's 40th birthday, some of world's top writers joined together to roast the New York Times bestselling author with a petition requesting that Meltzer no longer be allowed to practice the fine art of writing. To that end, Meltzer should no longer be permitted to possess a pen, a pencil, or of course, a keyboard.

The following sworn testimonies, all written by the authors themselves, were delivered to the author (and in no way did this have anything to do with today being the 40th birthday of Meltzer, or the fact he was born on April 1).

“For the sheer level of purple prose, inept plotting, snotty-nosed characters and the overall pathetic quality of his entire oeuvre, Meltzer stands alone. He is our Lincoln of crappy fiction. Happy 40th Birthday, Brad, and save some trees.”

  • David Baldacci

“Brad's writing is both good and original. However, what is good is not original and what is original is not good.”

  • Nelson DeMille

"I want to congratulate Brad on turning 40. For years, after all, I've been saying that he writes like an 8 year old."

  • Nicholas Sparks

“I don't really have time to waste on a guy who single-handedly lowered the level of the political thriller to zero. Basically, Brad Meltzer sucks out loud.”

  • Nora Roberts

"Whilst on the toilet, there is simply nothing better than the collected works of Brad Meltzer. Not to read, mind you, but to wipe with."

  • Damon Lindelof, co-creator, LOST

“Mr. Meltzer latest novel--a dengue stew of imbecilic fatuities--makes a reader wish reading had never been invented--or, for that matter, Brad Meltzer.”

  • Junot Diaz

"When it comes to writing great thrillers, Brad Meltzer has a nice personality."

  • Harlan Coben

“I know John Grisham . . . and Brad’s no John Grisham!”

  • Scott Turow

"I can't say enough about Brad's latest book. I used it to weigh down a trash can lid that kept blowing off-- and it did a better job than any book I tried before. Five stars!"

  • R.L. Stine

“Brad Meltzer is the Hemingway of the thriller genre. And by that, I mean he's maladjusted, paranoid and a drunk.”

  • AJ Jacobs

"As Wonder Woman's writerly alter ego, all I can offer as a birthday challenge is that my DC character could kick the butt of any of his DC characters. Game on, Brad!"

  • Jodi Picoult

“From his first novel THE TENTH JUSTICE to his more recent novels, THE BOOK OF FATE and THE BOOK OF LIES, fans have watched as Meltzer’s characters have matured and aged appropriately. It is a shame, therefore, that the same cannot be said of the author himself, who continues to be fixated on comic books and has yet to introduce sex and drugs into his supposedly more adult-themed work.”

  • Jamie Raab, Meltzer’s publisher and editor

"Happy birthday to the best novelist ever to grace the medium of comics with his presence. Well, after Michael Chabon. And Jonathan Lethem, I guess. Oh, and Stephen King now, too. And what's the name of that one crime writer who did that thing? Anyway, Brad is almost definitely in the top twenty. Top forty, easily."

  • Brian K. Vaughan

“Dear Brad, I'll never forget what a joy it was to meet you at the White House Breakfast. I was just sad that it had to end so soon. Honestly, in retrospect, letting the secret service know you'd made it into the building and within shooting distance of the president, again, might have been a mistake. I should have waited until you'd finished your coffee.”

  • Neil Gaiman

“Meltzer’s roller coaster ride...for my gag reflex...”

  • Patton Oswalt

When reached for comment, Meltzer's wife, Cori, said, "Happy 40th to my favorite April Fool."

About Brad Meltzer

Brad Meltzer is the #1 bestselling author of The Book of Fate and six other novels. He’s also an April Fool (hence this joke). You can see more about him at


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