in the last months of the second George W. Bush Administration, the new American ICBM defense shield was declared operational; then 'quite by accident' a U.S. submarine on maneuvers in the Persian Gulf launched a number of Triton II missiles each carrying eight newly-developed multiple 'lite'n kleen' nuclear warheads.
Providence, RI (PRWEB) September 20, 2005
A new satiric novel, "Ultimate Severance," offers a quick-fix “ultimate blueprint” for winning the war on terror, apprehending Osama bin Laden and saving the world from Iranian nuclear bombs.
The book's author, James Baar, says the "ultimate blueprint would also restore euphoric normalcy to America and make both conservatives and liberals much happier."
The novel is primarily dedicated to depicting a comfortable Enroned world of humbuggery awash with spinspeak, he says. "However, in only four paragraphs, the book totally eliminates early on any national concern with worries about Islamic suicide bombers and nut-cake mullahs yearning for the great old days in Andalusia."
The book, set sometime in the near future, reports that "in the last months of the second George W. Bush Administration, the new American ICBM defense shield was declared operational; then 'quite by accident' a U.S. submarine on maneuvers in the Persian Gulf launched a number of Triton II missiles each carrying eight newly-developed multiple 'lite'n kleen' nuclear warheads."
"Again, 'by chance,' the spray of 'lite'n kleens' was targeted with what weapon enthusiasts call 'down the pickle barrel' accuracy on government buildings and government residential complexes in Damascus and Teheran; also all Iranian nuclear storage and production facilities, three new Iranian missile launch sites disguised as mosques, two disguised as madrassahs and one as an AIDS hospice."
As a result of the "accidental" launching, the book reports that the following morning, according to an unconfirmed French newswire story, "French security agents apprehended at the Ritz Hotel in Paris a tall man purported to be al Qaeda Chief Osama bin Laden" along with a "gaggle of other Muslim terrorist leaders." The long-missing OBL was reported to be cleanly shaven and "wearing a Charvet dressing gown and heraldic slippers."
"Apparently, to the amazement of the hotel management and the security agents the group had been living there undetected for a number of years. 'Unfortunately,' the wire service reported, 'all were shot in the head outside the hotel in the Place Vendôme when they tried to escape.'"
Also, "in the next 10 days, surviving Arab governments declared 'eternal war' on terrorism, beheaded several thousand suspected terrorists and cut the price of oil in half. Vows of 'enduring friendship' from heads of state throughout the world flooded the White House. The reputedly emotional 'Arab Street' remained as peaceful as a country lane."
Baar says that "of course, as the book describes, 'the elimination of the Islamic terrorist threat and return of a safe and comfy environment,' cleared the way for everyone to indulge themselves in a huge spin-filled hullabaloo of political rancor and flavorful abuse.
"But conservatives had to be secretly delighted because they always favored 'nuking' the Muslim crazies and getting back to serious tax cutting; liberals had to be secretly delighted because they didn't have to pretend to 'support the troops' anymore and could go back to fighting for 'infrequent' but abundantly available abortion and worrying about global warming.
"Once more we had arrived at the 'end of history,' and demanded a 'peace dividend.' That makes the world safe for the various doings of the flim-flam artists, Wall Street piranhas, impatient mobsters and the spinmeisters of a global PR giant such as Trotter Pugg Mitchell who populate 'Ultimate Severance.'"
Baar, also the author of "Spinspeak II: The Dictionary of Language Pollution," says everything in the book makes perfect sense because it is explained by the "language of happiness" – a triumph of advanced linguistics from the Spindoc Industry.
"Only logically-minded spoilsports would want things otherwise," he says.
James Baar is an international public relations counselor, author of some half-dozen books including an earlier novel "The Great Free Enterprise Gambit" (Haughton Mifflin) and editor of "The Spinspeak Letter" weblog.
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