Halloween Survey of Witches Predictions for 2014 is Released

Share Article

Witches predictions on Tea Party, Donald Trump, Anthony Weiner, Vladimir Putin, Mayor Bloomberg, NSA, airline fees, "Breaking Bad" musical, iPhone, fads, Super Bowl and economy are announced

"Most witches believe they have the ability to predict the future."

According to a just-completed nationwide Halloween survey of predictions for 2014 made by 385 statistically-representative American witches, Congress will remain in a state of gridlock, there will be shortages of hot water bottles and gluts of erectile dysfunction pills, Hillary Clinton will announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, there will be a Broadway musical version of the “Breaking Bad” television show, government surveillance will reach new heights, an airline will impose a fee for lavatory use, and the stock market’s performance will be robust.

The survey was conducted by the New York Center for the Strange.

In announcing the results of its survey, the Center's executive director Richard Blaine said, “Most witches believe they have the ability to predict the future.” He said that thousands of American witches are forced to practice their religion in secrecy, fear and trepidation. Among them are a former governor, a cable channel luminary, the author of a wildly successful series of books, an action film icon and the C.E.O. of a giant online retailer.

The organization's associate research director Lewis Scott said, "It is time to do away with the deeply ingrained age-old image of evil cackling witches who cast spells and fly astride brooms.” Scott said witches are men and women who "seek an end to society's prejudice and hostility, at its most hurtful at Halloween. They deserve the freedom to practice their religion quietly and with dignity."

Mr. Blaine said the Center impartially investigates, analyzes and interprets the sociological and cultural aspects and implications of prognostication, prophecy, soothsaying and divination.

He said that the witches had accurately predicted the popularity of smartphones and the yogurt phenomenon, but missed the mark in predicting a Romney presidency and the discovery of major deposits of oil in the Bronx.

Here are the leading predictions from the Center’s Halloween survey:

  •     A Broadway musical comedy version of “Breaking Bad” with Bryan Cranston reprising his Walter White role and Anne Hathaway as his wife will be directed by Mike Nichols
  •     Among the fads predicted to sweep the nation in the coming year are nude golfing, monocles for women, senior-citizen soccer and C-Span binge viewing
  •     A televised pay-per-view Tea Party fundraiser will feature Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Ted Cruz singing and dancing in a truncated version of “Chicago”
  •     Leaked documents will reveal that the National Security Agency (NSA) is developing a system for monitoring impure thoughts
  •     While there will be minor hardships due to nationwide shortages of artisanal beef jerky, cheap sauvignon blanc, hot water bottles and relaxation drinks, there will be gluts of 3D television sets, erectile dysfunction pills, hummus and energy drinks
  •     Hillary Clinton will confirm that she is candidate for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination
  •     Russian president Vladimir Putin will be injured in an arm wrestling contest with a female Ukrainian athlete
  •     Real estate mogul/provocateur Donald Trump will turn his New York office into a full-size replica of the Oval Office displaying both the American and Kenyan flags
  •     A struggling regional airline will introduce passenger lavatory fees based on minutes of use
  •     Congress will remain in an almost constant state of gridlock, rancor and recrimination
  •     A West Coast publisher will issue an unexpurgated edition of the original “Gulliver’s Travels.”
  •     The economy will continue to improve with the Dow Jones Industrial Index approaching 17,000 by year-end 2014
  •     Disgraced former New York congressman and mayoral aspirant Anthony Weiner will reject an offer to serve as spokesman for a sausage maker but will sign on as a Fox News pundit
  •     When the NFL’s first outdoor cold-weather Super Bowl is played in the New York area on February 2, 2014, the weather will be unseasonably balmy
  •     Medical researchers will discover a cure for an “embarrassing” condition
  •     After leaving office, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg will fund a multi-billion dollar think tank tasked with solving as many mysteries of the universe as possible
  •     Secretary of State John Kerry will share the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize with former president Bill Clinton
  •     Rumors that China has offered to purchase Alaska from a cash-strapped U.S. will prove to     be unfounded
  •     Apple’s iPhone 6 will be able to block objectionable words
  •     Animal behaviorists will claim that dogs can be trained to detect insincerity
  •     Bernard Madoff, the Rev. Al Sharpton, Larry Flynt and Bashar Assad will make headlines, but not in a good way

The New York Center for the Strange is a non-profit organization involved, basically, in research.

Share article on social media or email:

View article via:

Pdf Print

Contact Author

Richard Blaine
Visit website