It’s Not You, It’s Me: Queendom Study Reveals Why Some Men Are Afraid To Commit

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It’s time to shelve the idea that fear of commitment is just a desire to “sow wild oats.” Recently released research by Queendom.com and PsychTests.com indicates that many commitment-phobic men have valid fears about committing to someone long-term.

Many men who avoid commitment have legitimate concerns about the consequence of pledging their life to someone.

Men who are afraid of the old “ball and chain” may have valid fears about what commitment entails.

A fear of commitment is not just a desire to "sow wild oats."

It’s a long-standing joke. A woman starts with the “where is this relationship going” talk and her boyfriend’s eyes suddenly glaze over – or get that “deer in headlights” look. The piece of lint on his arm, the leaky faucet, or taking the dog out for a walk immediately becomes a code-red priority. His eyes dart toward the nearest exit as he mentally calculates the probability of fitting through the bathroom window. Researchers at Queendom.com released a study this Valentine’s Day that sheds some light on the typical reasons behind commitment phobia à la masculin. Their latest research reveals that many men who avoid commitment have legitimate concerns about the consequence of pledging their life to someone.

Collecting data from 496 commit-phobic men who took their Fear of Relationship Commitment Test, Queendom’s study uncovered several commitment fears and personal issues that cause men to question whether the path down the aisle is the right one to take. For example:

  •     72% of commit-phobic men believe that a being in a relationship will interfere with their goals and ambitions.
  •     86% are afraid of losing their identity or freedom
  •     76% are worried about losing their privacy.
  •     55% don’t want to have to put their partner’s needs before family and friends
  •     69% don’t want to have to their partner’s needs before their own.
  •     73% feel that being in a committed relationship is just too much work.
  •     81% are afraid of spending the rest of their life with the wrong person.
  •     73% believe that committing to one person will prevent them from meeting someone better.

“Although some of these commitment concerns might seem egoistical and selfish, many men don’t want to have to overhaul or change their life to make someone else happy,” explains Dr. Jerabek, president of PsychTests, the company that runs Queendom.com. “We’re often told that it’s important to make sacrifices for others, but it should not be done to the point where our needs and goals are consistently deferred. Ask your partner to give up too much, and he (or she) might not want to stick around in the long-term.”

“For those who are not convinced that these are valid reasons for avoiding commitment, consider this: 72% of commitment-phobic men won’t commit because they’re afraid of getting hurt, and 75% are afraid of getting too attached to someone. I think it’s time to cut men some slack.”

And there are other personal commitment fears that researchers at Queendom discovered:

  •     48% are afraid that their partner will leave them for someone better.
  •     66% are worried that they won’t be able to live up to their partner’s expectations.
  •     70% have difficulty trusting people.
  •     73% are worried that their relationship will end in divorce.
  •     80% are afraid that being in a committed relationship won’t be as good as they imagined.
  •     75% are afraid that they will mess up the relationship somehow.

So if there are people out there who want to use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to talk commitment, researchers at Queendom offer the following tips:

Dealing with your partner’s commitment fears

  •     Don't put him (or her) in the pressure cooker. It's the familiar song and dance: You want commitment, your partner doesn't. The more you push, the more he pulls away. Like any living creature, your partner may feel extremely threatened when cornered. Remember that just because he doesn't want to commit to you, it does not mean that you are not loved or are not worthy. There may be other valid reasons behind the avoidance, like a fear of getting hurt.
  •     Consider the many faces of commitment. When a partner commits to you, he is not just becoming a part of your life alone. There is your family, friends, pets, hobbies, job, co-workers, boss, quirks, habits, and way of life. No small feat. It requires taking on several responsibilities and making many sacrifices. Therefore, going from a life where the only person your partner had to worry about was himself to taking on your entire world can be a really huge leap - something that he may find quite overwhelming and intimidating. Try to be a little more patient and tolerant of your partner’s fears.

That being said…

  •     Know when it is time to walk away. You have been patient. You haven't pushed. Every time your partner said, "Soon," "Maybe," or "I don't know," you backed off. So how long should you wait before throwing in the proverbial towel? Some people, if given enough time and space, may come around eventually and agree to commit. With others, you may not be so lucky. The problem is that there is no set deadline as to how long you should wait - it's all a matter of how you feel. If you get the sense that your partner may never come around or that you've already wasted enough time, then perhaps it would be best to let go and find someone who's on the same commitment page as you.

Dealing with your own commitment fears

  •     Run through your track record. Maybe you were in a committed relationship in the past and ended up terribly hurt. Or perhaps you experienced first-hand through parental divorce or the dissolution of a loved one's marriage how painful an unsuccessful commitment can be. As such, it is perfectly understandable that you would hesitate a little before taking that plunge. However, just because it happened previously, it does not necessarily mean it will happen again. Think of it this way: In 10 years from now, what is going to bother you more? The fact that you took a chance on commitment and it didn't end up working out, or the fact that you didn't take a chance on commitment and never experienced how good it could have been.
  •     Beware the "Cinderella Effect.” You pictured never-ending romance, walks on the beach, and making breakfast together, but what you got was an "I love you" rain-check, quickies in the morning, and TV dinners watching re-runs. Now you’re left feeling confused, disappointed, and all the more adamant about boycotting the whole commitment idea. The problem isn't that the joys of commitment are just a bunch of hoo-hah; rather, your expectations of what it involves may be a little unrealistic. Commitment is not an entirely new life; it is a promise to devote your heart and soul to the one person who means more to you than anyone else. This doesn't mean that you should set low expectations of married life. Just accept that it is not always going to be harmonious.
  •     Don’t knock the benefits of relationship counseling. For some people, a fear of commitment can indeed become a full-blown phobia. If your fear of commitment is so extreme that you find yourself completely pulling away from your partner once things start getting serious, some counseling to get to the root of your fears and anxieties could be very beneficial. Relationship counseling isn't limited to married couples.

Want to bring to light your commitment fears? Go to http://www.queendom.com/tests/take_test.php?idRegTest=681

Professional users of this assessment (therapists, life coaches and counselors) can request a free demo of the Self-esteem Test or any other assessments from ARCH Profile’s extensive battery: http://hrtests.archprofile.com/testdrive_gen_1

To learn more about psychological testing, download this free eBook: [http://hrtests.archprofile.com/personality-tests-in-hr

About PsychTests.com
PsychTests.com is a subsidiary of PsychTests AIM Inc. PsychTests.com is a site that creates an interactive venue for self-exploration with a healthy dose of fun. The site offers a full range of professional-quality, scientifically validated psychological assessments that empower people to grow and reach their real potential through insightful feedback and detailed, custom-tailored analysis.

PsychTests AIM Inc. originally appeared on the internet scene in 1996. Since its inception, it has become a pre-eminent provider of psychological assessment products and services to human resource personnel, therapists, academics, researchers and a host of other professionals around the world. PsychTests AIM Inc. staff is comprised of a dedicated team of psychologists, test developers, researchers, statisticians, writers, and artificial intelligence experts (see ARCHProfile.com). The company’s research division, Plumeus Inc., is supported in part by Research and Development Tax Credit awarded by Industry Canada.

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Ilona Jerabek
PsychTests AIM Inc.
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