When Fighting Means “I Love You”: New Study Reveals The Importance of Arguing
Montreal, Canada (PRWEB) February 14, 2017 -- Whenever reporters capture feel-good stories of couples who have celebrated 50 years of marriage (or more), they always ask the same question: “What is the key to a long, happy marriage?” And nearly every time, the happy couple offers the same age-old wisdom, like not going to bed angry, working out differences, knowing how to pick battles, and knowing when to let things go.
The belief that it’s healthy to argue seems counterintuitive, but research from Queendom.com and PsychTests.com reveals that this theory isn’t fluff. In fact, just like candy hearts, the sweetly appealing demeanor of people who never argue may belie a belly full of unsavory, pent-up emotions.
Analyzing data from over 22, 000 people who took their Interpersonal Communication Skills Test, researchers at Queendom and PsychTests compared people based on how frequently they argue with their partner. Not surprisingly, people who argued more frequently (a few times a day or week) had more deficient communication skills. Although there weren’t very many differences between groups in terms of good communication habits, there were pronounced contrasts among the groups in terms of deficient or destructive arguing tactics.
Here are the results for each group in terms of communication problems:
Struggle to put their thoughts into words
- 55% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 42% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 33% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 28% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 35% of those who never get into arguments
Find it hard to express to others how they feel
- 41% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 30% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 21% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 17% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 24% of those who never get into arguments
Uncomfortable in emotionally charged situations
- 43% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 30% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 24% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 23% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 28% of those who never get into arguments
Don’t know what to say or do when someone gets emotional around them
- 40% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 28% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 21% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 16% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 23% of those who never get into arguments
Not comfortable asking questions or speaking up
- 39% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 25% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 18% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 13% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 19% of those who never get into arguments
Not willing to own up to and/or admit to their faults
- 58% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 45% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 34% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 28% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 33% of those who never get into arguments
Avoid talking about sensitive/touchy topics
- 42% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 32% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 26% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 25% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 31% of those who never get into arguments
In terms of good communication habits, here’s how each group fared:
Able to identify and read body language
- 63% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 71% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 83% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 85% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 81% of those who never get into arguments
Willing to admit when they’re angry with someone
- 55% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 55% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 53% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 53% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 47% of those who never get into arguments
Willing to confront someone who has hurt their feelings
- 52% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 48% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 47% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 47% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 44% of those who never get into arguments
Adapt their communication style to the situation and/or person
- 68% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 73% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 75% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 76% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 70% of those who never get into arguments
Will express their opinions even if they risk rejection, disagreement, or conflict
- 69% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a day
- 69% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a week
- 67% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a month
- 66% of those who tend to get into arguments a few times a year
- 58% of those who never get into arguments
“One would assume that a person who never gets into arguments must have great communication skills and an abundant amount of patience – but this isn’t always the case,” explains Dr. Jerabek, president of PsychTests. “What makes a relationship work is the willingness to confront and openly hash out issues – even if that turns into a full-blown argument. This isn’t to say that the solution is to yell at each other until you’re blue in the face. It means allowing the other person to have their say, listening objectively without interrupting or judging, criticizing the behavior and not the person, and continuously working toward compromise – which could mean that the argument may not necessarily be resolved in one sitting. While this may be uncomfortable for many couples, it’s not as unpleasant as bottling up frustrations until you explode. And pent-up emotions always find their way out eventually, whether through passive aggressive comments/behaviors, snide comments, smirks full of contempt, nitpicking little things, or simply blowing up at inopportune moments. And here’s a stat from our study that really drives the point home: When we asked each group how they would rate the quality of their romantic relationship, 60% of those who argue a few times a year rated their relationship as Good or Excellent, 9% as Satisfactory, and 31% as Poor or Very poor. Of the group that never argues, 56% rated their relationship as Good or Excellent, 10% as Satisfactory, and 34% as Poor or Very poor. These differences may seem minor, but they speak volumes about the benefits of arguing in relationships.”
Here are some tips from the researchers at Queendom and PsychTests on how to fight fair:
• Watch your timing. Don't start an argument just before you are supposed to go to bed or when heading to a get-together. Also, remember that arguing in front of other people, especially children, is always a bad idea.
• Stay focused and solve one problem at a time. Bringing up multiple issues at once is a mistake. This tactic can result in an overwhelmingly long, exhausting fight. It's also possible that while all of these issues will be revealed, none of them will get resolved.
• Find common ground. Begin by pointing out things that you can agree on. Even if you have opposing points of view, there will likely be a few items you see eye-to-eye on. This tactic builds a bridge between you and your partner and creates a working atmosphere that focuses on a shared goal.
• Tell your partner exactly what is on your mind. Don't try to hide your emotions by being vague, like yelling at your partner for not doing the dishes when what you're really upset about is the fact that he or she spends too much time at work. Be clear about why you're upset, otherwise you'll never be able to solve the real issue.
• When arguing, do not attack your partner's character. Instead, discuss specific behaviors and how you feel about them. While character traits are difficult to change, specific behaviors can be modified. For example, instead of saying, "You are such a lousy father", say, "I disagree with the way you reprimanded our kids because yelling scares them." Or, instead of saying, "You never spend any time with me anymore," say, "I miss spending time with you."
• Take a break. When you get too furious, take a time-out of at least 20 minutes. Set a specific time, not too far in the future, to continue. This will help cool down tempers and gives both parties time to reflect on what has already been discussed.
• Accept that some issues just can't be solved in one argument. If you encounter a complex issue (such as infidelity or a power struggle), make sure that you both understand that the topic will have to be addressed again and again. If there doesn't seem to be any progress being made or if you feel like you're going in circles, consult a professional who can help guide you through your issue.
Want to assess your communication skills? Check out http://www.queendom.com/tests/take_test.php?idRegTest=2288
Professional users of this test can see a sample of the Communication Skills Assessment report: http://hrtests.archprofile.com/sample_comsa
Request a free demo of this test and any other assessments from ARCH Profile’s extensive battery: http://hrtests.archprofile.com/testdrive_gen_1
To learn more about psychological testing, download this free eBook: Spotting Diamonds in the Rough. (http://hrtests.archprofile.com/personality-tests-in-hr)
About Queendom.com
Queendom.com is a subsidiary of PsychTests AIM Inc. Queendom.com is a site that creates an interactive venue for self-exploration with a healthy dose of fun. The site offers a full range of professional-quality, scientifically-validated psychological assessments that empower people to grow and reach their real potential through insightful feedback and detailed, custom-tailored analysis.
About PsychTests AIM Inc.:
PsychTests AIM Inc. originally appeared on the internet scene in 1996. Since its inception, it has become a pre-eminent provider of psychological assessment products and services to human resource personnel, therapists, academics, researchers and a host of other professionals around the world. PsychTests AIM Inc. staff is comprised of a dedicated team of psychologists, test developers, researchers, statisticians, writers, and artificial intelligence experts (see ARCHProfile.com). The company’s research division, Plumeus Inc., is supported in part by Research and Development Tax Credit awarded by Industry Canada.
Ilona Jerabek, PsychTests AIM Inc., http://psychtests.com, +1 514-745-3189 Ext: 112, [email protected]
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